๐ซ at my best, ๐
Posted: Fri, Sep 4, 2026 10:51:04 AM
i am flexible, evolving, able to be influenced by others. i get to be curious and more importantly i am free to not be so cool. i have written enough lately about my identity and my true self. i have also written plenty about who i believe i am becoming. the one rabbit hole i may yet go down today, is how this process is affecting me in real-time. i have been caught up in detailing the effects and left how the journey is proceeding by the wayside. a sponsor once told me that i was often too focused on destinations and signposts, rather than the journey itself. his implication was that i could not control the pace or direction of my recovery journey, so i might as well do the work and hang on for the ride. it is interesting that lately i have been focused on the results, rather than what is happening inside.
i often neglect what is changing and why it might be doing so, as i march through my days of recovery. the mere fact that i could be properly assertive with an old friend and patient enough to accept the lack of a response as a response. i could assign all sorts of meaning to that fact, but the process that is ongoing inside of me, is to let it be whatever it may be. i do not know and may never know. what i know for a fact is that i reached out and asked a question. i had arrived at a place where not knowing was bothering me and i still do not know. the difference is, i know i cannot change what is happening, so i have to accept it. i may not like silence, in fact in makes me more than a bit angry and could certainly turn into resentment. the process however, is keeping me grounded in the sanity that i am no longer playing a passive-aggressive game with my old friend and as the rules of the game just changed because i am changing, i have to accept whatever outcome comes down the pike. i changed the rules without any notification or warning because i was no longer comfortable with how i was living in the moment. that is process not effects. that is my spiritual path taking over when my rational controlling self wants answers and wanted them within seconds of sending the text. that is change being thrust upon me, as a result of the revelations that are being uncovered as i plod my way through my FOURTH STEP.
tempering my expectations and releasing my desire for rational answers and control are not traits that are inherent in me. in fact, based on my history to date, one might think that some sort of spiritual demon has possessed me and is moving me away from the me that world is used to seeing. more importantly from the me i have always thought i was. i know i am changing and i am free to be “not so cool,” in whatever that happens to mean at any given time. i also know that intimacy i am exploring with me new friend is a risk i would not have taken six months ago. i would have believed that politically and spiritually we were worlds apart. in reality, as i get to know him and he gets to know me, we are finding more common ground even if i am a “heathen” and he is a Christian. the relationship is becoming a two way relationship with give and take. the risk i am taking and have been taking is more than i am willing to do or better put was willing to do, as i would have generalized and categorized him as someone who lacked the ability to “get” me. today's reality is far from the rational, and controlling self that has been revealed as i write my step.
what does the journey feel like today? a quick and flip answer would be a long night's journey into the daylight. as cliché as that may sound, it is how i am seeing things today. what i have hidden in the darkness of who i was is being revealed and i am not all that thrilled with what was being so much in my face. what i am expecting and what i am getting are starting to converge and the process seems to be accelerating rather than holding steady, regardless of how often i put pen to paper. this step is working me over and although i may find that uncomfortable, i have just enough FAITH to go with the flow and see what emerges, at least just for today.
i often neglect what is changing and why it might be doing so, as i march through my days of recovery. the mere fact that i could be properly assertive with an old friend and patient enough to accept the lack of a response as a response. i could assign all sorts of meaning to that fact, but the process that is ongoing inside of me, is to let it be whatever it may be. i do not know and may never know. what i know for a fact is that i reached out and asked a question. i had arrived at a place where not knowing was bothering me and i still do not know. the difference is, i know i cannot change what is happening, so i have to accept it. i may not like silence, in fact in makes me more than a bit angry and could certainly turn into resentment. the process however, is keeping me grounded in the sanity that i am no longer playing a passive-aggressive game with my old friend and as the rules of the game just changed because i am changing, i have to accept whatever outcome comes down the pike. i changed the rules without any notification or warning because i was no longer comfortable with how i was living in the moment. that is process not effects. that is my spiritual path taking over when my rational controlling self wants answers and wanted them within seconds of sending the text. that is change being thrust upon me, as a result of the revelations that are being uncovered as i plod my way through my FOURTH STEP.
tempering my expectations and releasing my desire for rational answers and control are not traits that are inherent in me. in fact, based on my history to date, one might think that some sort of spiritual demon has possessed me and is moving me away from the me that world is used to seeing. more importantly from the me i have always thought i was. i know i am changing and i am free to be “not so cool,” in whatever that happens to mean at any given time. i also know that intimacy i am exploring with me new friend is a risk i would not have taken six months ago. i would have believed that politically and spiritually we were worlds apart. in reality, as i get to know him and he gets to know me, we are finding more common ground even if i am a “heathen” and he is a Christian. the relationship is becoming a two way relationship with give and take. the risk i am taking and have been taking is more than i am willing to do or better put was willing to do, as i would have generalized and categorized him as someone who lacked the ability to “get” me. today's reality is far from the rational, and controlling self that has been revealed as i write my step.
what does the journey feel like today? a quick and flip answer would be a long night's journey into the daylight. as cliché as that may sound, it is how i am seeing things today. what i have hidden in the darkness of who i was is being revealed and i am not all that thrilled with what was being so much in my face. what i am expecting and what i am getting are starting to converge and the process seems to be accelerating rather than holding steady, regardless of how often i put pen to paper. this step is working me over and although i may find that uncomfortable, i have just enough FAITH to go with the flow and see what emerges, at least just for today.
∞ DT ∞