Blog entry for:

remorse has become a tool i can use to achieve self-forgiveness.
two big change readings in a row, GAWD, i just feel so very, very grateful that all i have to do is change everything. actually this reading and yesterday’s reading about secrets and becoming willing do go hand in hand for this addict. more and more i am uncovering patterns in my life, secrets and remorse are kissing cousins of each other, at least in my not so humble opinion this morning. i do know that every secret i have kept in the past had more than a little remorse involved. okay, i lied there may be a few that were just shame and in which i was the only one that was kept in the dark, HOWEVER most of my secrets involve the damage i did to others across the course of my active addiction and GASP across the course of my recovery. yes even though i have some days in a row, i actually still cause harm, i know that may seem hard to believe but it is true.
okay that last bit was a bit flip, but it is a reality i have to accept, after all the part of me i call my disease uses that kind of stuff against me. that part tells me that if i am still doing damage that i need to be forgiven for, than this whole recovery gig is a fraud, i am no better than i was when i walked in here and i have given it a chance it is time to move on. spooky little piece of logic, but that is how the part of me i call my disease operates, take a small fact or imperfection and twist it into something that sounds so reasonable and sane, to take me back into a state of using substances to change my perspective of the world.
well today i understand that, and any remorse i may feel for my actions at the end of this day, i will use to amend my behavior tomorrow. i am after all learning how to do this on a day-to-day basis!

∞ DT ∞