Blog entry for:

to make amends to all those people.
one of the things i hear the most from my peers, when they are fresh in recovery is the desire to rush out and reforge all the relationships they tromped all over in active addiction. i get that, i know that once the red cloud of rage started to subside, and i got a few weeks away from my last use, i wanted to jump in and fix everything, as that seems to be part of my DNA. in those says, it was not about remorse, at least not
on the surface, i am fairly certain that deep down i was feeling remorse for my actions and wanted to seek forgiveness from those i hurt. i was still months away from being able to that i had any part in any of that stuff and i was seeking a quick fix, one more “I'm Sorry,,” for the road.
today? well after four EIGHTH STEPS and the same number of NINTH STEPS, i am not there any more. yes, i feel guilt and remorse over what i do in the here and now, i have something far better than an accumulation of my wrongs until my next go around with the steps, i have a TENTH STEP and the ability to right the wrongs i do in near real-time. even better, i have a manner of living that reduces the behaviors and reactions that cause that sort of harm. there is something that i do feel a twinge of conscience about, and that is declining to take a call from a friend who once again finds himself an unwilling guest in the Boulder County Sheriff's Bed and Breakfast. there was once a time when i would have been all over taking his call and doing what i could do to make his stay less heinous. today, well not so much! i really do not want to pay to hear his most recent tale of woe and victim-hood. on the other hand, i am probably the last person that is still n his side and i do feel a bit bad that he will see yet another birthday behind bars, unless something amazing happens.
so the question boils down to, is not taking his collect calls, doing any real and measurable harm? is there really anything that i can accomplish, by listening to him chatter on about how everyone fVcked him over, how his life sucks and how NOW he really is ready to do something different, and can i use my service position to come and see him face to face. the answer, right here and right now, is not so much. i think he needs some time to clear out his head and get over the fact that i am not jumping to his beck and call. i myself, need some time, to consider what i am willing to do or NOT to do for him. as the years have been grinding by, in this particular relationship, i am less and less willing to take care of his stuff, his finances or clean-up the piles sh!t, he usually leaves behind. anyhow, that is my thought fr today, time to go make the donuts!

∞ DT ∞