of torture or a healing tool, remorse is a very complicated feeling. trying to find the balance in remorse is quite the balancing act as the yang, often outweighs the yin in this concept and i trend towards using a bit of remorse as a motivation to call my sponsor, write my steps, or go to that meeting that i really hate going to. pain, is still a powerful motivator and i felt weirs yesterday when my sponse introduced me to one of my ‘step-brothers’ as someone who does the work. of course all things being equal i minimized that compliment, as i often times do, to play that false humility card, not that much unlike Norman Bates in the final scene of Psycho. before i continue on, i need a quick shout-out to someone who has been doing this gig for a bit odf time as well:
Ronald B, my ‘step-brother,’
congrats on another year clean.
11 years is quite a journey.
I am glad you kept coming back.
where was i? false humility and deflecting a compliment. these days most of the remorse i feel is not for things i have done. i have a 10Th and 11TH step to keep me in the here and now, and a few trips through the steps has eliminated most of what once was so overpowering and crippling. remorse for what i have left undone, even in the here and now, is how i torture myself these days. i stay in places far longer than i need to, partly out of fear of what my life would look like but mostly out of the fear that IF i assert myself, i will look like a fVcking a$$hole. in most aspects of my life, i am quite comfortable asserting my needs and yes even my desires, in others, not so much. yes, it would be great if i could walk through life and be properly assertive, say what i really wanted to say and not worry about the consequences. the damage to myself would certainly be greatly diminished. my FEAR of hurting someone else and looking like something, allows me thee freedom to punish myself and once again feel the remorse of yet another grievance that was not aired, another slight i did not acknowledge or another bruised toe, as i pull my foot out from the heel of another. sitting here pounding this out this morning, i am having an overwhelming desire to get moving on my step work, for the first time since last summer. as assertive, self-assured and confident as i may appear, or project, there is this space within , where even i do not tread, for fear of unleashing the vile, rage-filled beast that once ruled my interactions with others. in early recovery, i came to believe that if i caved and suppressed my desires and wants, to all around me, i was making my amends to the society. that behavior, as “noble” as i once saw it, has laid the groundwork for where i am today, cutting myself with a thousand little bits of remorse, each and every time i do not stand up for myself, when i know i really need to do so. in my life today, there will be more than i few time i will decide that this battle is not worth fighting. for the most part, that is a healthy choice and one the fosters my growth into becoming the person i have always wanted to be. the thing i feel most powerless over right here and right now, what are the battles that are worth fighting and how can i do so, without burning down my life? certainly a topic to visit further as i finally have a focus on where i may need to be going.which happen to into the shower and into the real world.
∞ DT ∞
