Blog entry for:

...me to make right all of my mistakes. as i become willing to clean up the damage i have caused, i affirm the healing process of recovery.well i am not off to a great start writing this morning. this topic always seems to take me down roads that i do not wish to travel. or at least that i perceive that i do not want to go there. when i think about the damage caused by me, in recovery, during periods of abstinence when i was not actively working a program and in active addiction, i find the largest club i need and the self-flagellation begins. internally i look like one of those medieval flagellants, with my back bloody and bruised as i try to atone for my sins and the sins of the world around me.
and of course that is exactly where the part of me i call the disease of addiction wants me to go. after all as long as the pain of not doing is less than the pain of doing, i hardly have any motivation to press onward. so the next thing i need to do is to make a choice between self-forgiveness and self-abuse. although the choice looks so extremely clear, i still hesitate on the brink of that decision. what about humility and owning who and what i am? what about the costs incurred by society, those who love me and those who just happened to be in my way? and most of, what of the damage i will cause myself if i ever forget what a sh*t i was? the counter to the arguments is clearly stated, the EIGHT STEP is about becoming willing and provides the means to turn remorse into a tool for healing rather than destroying. yes i did cause damage, that damage will be looked at and my actions will be determined by STEP NINE. yes i was still am, and will be an addict, regardless of how much damage i caused in the past, i am also an addict in recovery, actively seeking to become the sort of person who adds more to the world than he takes. most importantly i never really was the sh*t i like to make myself out to be. i did sh*tty things, i lied to myself about the true effects of those things, but behaving badly does not necessarily make me a rotten apple, worthy of only the refuse pile.
so when i am feeling remorseful, the choice to use it as a tool to grow and a path towards true humility is a direction i can take., i8 have my peers and my sponsor to help me gauge the true extent of my damage and no longer need listen to the voice of the part of me i call my addict. those rational and sane voices can remove me from the cycle of self-victimization, and today i believe i will listen to the sane voices and not the lunatic that rages in my head. it uis after all, a good day to recover!

∞ DT ∞