Blog entry for:

dominated by guilt and remorse.
so yesterday i wrote about guilt and shame, and this morning the reading specifically speaks directly to guilt and the role it played in feeding the feedback cycle of active addiction. for me, guilt was guilt, shame was medicated away, and the only thing i felt any remorse over was: missed opportunities, spilled or wasted drugs and not getting exactly what i wanted, when i wanted it. i was the center of the universe and i was owed and entitled to everything my little heart desired. as harsh as that sounds, it only scratches the surface, so after coming to recovery and working the first seven steps, imagine my surprise when i finally came to terms with what STEP EIGHT was really all about.
the years of mind-numbing medication had worn off, i had a better of idea of the sort of person i had become and worst of all, i was starting to get glimmers of HOPE about the sort of man i could become. naturally, i felt remorse, as i inventoried my checkered past. being who i am, and having yet to identify some of the worst aspects of my character, the remorse i felt in making the list, was a weapon i readily turned upon myself, and used mercilessly. it would take another set of steps to take care of that particular nasty bit of bidness, but i did persevere and i did make the list and i finally became willing, BECAUSE that seems the only way to stop the beatings. i was desperate to find a weapon against the remorse i felt, as i did not believe i could survive the inner storm it generated. of course i never shared my inner angst with anyone, for a few reasons. i had yet to learn to trust without conditions. more importantly i was unwilling to let anyone see how nuts i really was, and this felt like a ticket straight to the nut hut to me. yes my concern with appearances was still playing a HUGE role in my recovery, that particular little trait took a few more trips through the steps to for me to identify and let go of, so it could rectified. so for me becoming willing to make my amends was a matter of survival, an act of desperation, the the springboard into a new manner of looking at who and what i am, an addict who wants to be free from active addiction!
as i sit here this morning with a few more trips through the steps and more than a few more days clean under my belt, i am struck about how silly i was way back in the days. no not the using days, those days of early recovery, after the desire had been lifted and before i had found my home. the miracle is that i survived those days at all, but all of that was necessary for me to get where i am today. as much as i hate to admit it, those events, those turmoils and that insanity laid the groundwork for my recovery today, and created in me the desire to go to any lengths to stay clean. i told a sponsee the other day that i would drive a hundred miles to attend a meeting of this fellowship that has given me this way of living, rather than walk across the street to attend a meeting of another fellowship. for me, this is no longer a matter of convenience, it is a MATTER of life and death, and here in my home, i know i will hear just what i want to hear, whether i WANT to hear it or not. i feel sad, for all those addicts, who do not have the freedom to attend meetings of this fellowship, and i pray that unlike me, they are getting what they need to stay clean and find a new way of life, wherever they have to go to get it. for me, that was a death sentence, that was nearly executed but i am much better today and see remorse for what it is, a tool to help me be more than i was yesterday.
speaking of which, the time has come to hit the streets and be a little bit less, literally, than i was yesterday, it is a great day to be clean and i am grateful that today, there are choices for me as well as a manner of living that will give far more than i ever dreamed.

∞ DT ∞