Blog entry for:

leaving a trail of heartbreak and devastation that felt to me, far too painful to even consider. flash forward to a few days in a row clean, and i look at this statement as something i long ago forgot. now that i am once again on an eighth step, and i have opened Pandora''s box, about what happened way back in those early days of my active addiction, i am once again considering the damage i did. for whatever reason, there was a whole chunk of my life, i never considered in my previous trips through the steps. my pain and misery, back in those days, was something i chose to conveniently forget, along with the swath of pain and misery i created as i went through my life, extracting the price to which i thought i was entitled. even today, there are time when i believe i am entitled to match the pain i am feeling by inflicting it some anonymous or not so anonymous human being who happens to cross my path, after all, misery loves company, and when i am miserable, the familiar behavior for me,, is to make everyone else just as miserable, so i can feel a little bit better. well guess what, that sort of stuff is no longer acceptable to me, and the only way, i can move forward is to own the REAL damage i did, address my guilt, make my amends and move on to step 10. yes i just clumped nine and ten together in one swell foop.
be that as it may, in the here and now, i need to get rolling to work. it is a great day to be clean and if i get to see my sponse tonight, we will discuss this and all of the other stuff that has been consuming me and generally making life less than stellar for me, in the present tense.

∞ DT ∞