ฮด as i become willing to clean up the damage i have caused, ฮ
Posted: Thu, Feb 26, 2009 08:27:24 AM
i acknowledge my readiness to change. i affirm the healing process of recovery. well for such an early start, i am already running late for stuff i need to get accomplished before heading out the door. i do have the time to ponder and write about how remorse has been an active player in my life lately.
i know, that i have been using remorse to nurture my anger and resentment towards myself, over not being able to let go of a relationship that can not be. every time i think i have let it go, there is some reminder, and like the jilted, jaded lover, i go straight back to first striking out in anger at them, and then punishing the true object of my anger, ME! what a wonderfully delicious piece of crap to chew on, on a periodic basis. it tastes even more foul every time i partake of it, and yet the insanity of the part of me i call my addiction takes me back time and time again, so i can relish it, in all its crapitude. yes i know that is not a word, but it expresses an idea that is beyond a words that is in my current set of vocabulary. anyhow, this morning, as i read the reading, i instantly thought of my sponsees who are on the eight step, then went back to mine, and summarily dismissed the reading as irrelevant to my current situation. that, my friends, is the first red flag for this addict. when i do that, it means the reading has struck a very sensitive nerve, and one i have been aching to suppress with a bright and shiny new toy. i have been wondering where the desire to buy my new toy on sale has been coming from ever since i got the sale coupon in my e-mail three days ago. i did not delete it, i simply filed it in my permanent save folder, just in case. it is my remorse over holding on to something that is as possible as counting the number of angels that can dance on the head of a pin, and yet i cling to it, or did until this morning. i have finally come to the place where i can see, that regardless of what occurs, i NEED to move on by letting go of this, and acknowledging that i am healthier than needing to give my power away to someone or something that has no idea i am doing so.
so the not so tasty tidbit i am going into my day with is this; i am the one who serves up this particular dish of crap, so it has to be my choice whether or not to continue to partake of it. if i do not like the taste, i am the one who has to step away from the table, so today i think i will let that happen.
so off to the real world to deal with the real problems and not to buy a shiny new toy, even if it is $400 off list price.
i know, that i have been using remorse to nurture my anger and resentment towards myself, over not being able to let go of a relationship that can not be. every time i think i have let it go, there is some reminder, and like the jilted, jaded lover, i go straight back to first striking out in anger at them, and then punishing the true object of my anger, ME! what a wonderfully delicious piece of crap to chew on, on a periodic basis. it tastes even more foul every time i partake of it, and yet the insanity of the part of me i call my addiction takes me back time and time again, so i can relish it, in all its crapitude. yes i know that is not a word, but it expresses an idea that is beyond a words that is in my current set of vocabulary. anyhow, this morning, as i read the reading, i instantly thought of my sponsees who are on the eight step, then went back to mine, and summarily dismissed the reading as irrelevant to my current situation. that, my friends, is the first red flag for this addict. when i do that, it means the reading has struck a very sensitive nerve, and one i have been aching to suppress with a bright and shiny new toy. i have been wondering where the desire to buy my new toy on sale has been coming from ever since i got the sale coupon in my e-mail three days ago. i did not delete it, i simply filed it in my permanent save folder, just in case. it is my remorse over holding on to something that is as possible as counting the number of angels that can dance on the head of a pin, and yet i cling to it, or did until this morning. i have finally come to the place where i can see, that regardless of what occurs, i NEED to move on by letting go of this, and acknowledging that i am healthier than needing to give my power away to someone or something that has no idea i am doing so.
so the not so tasty tidbit i am going into my day with is this; i am the one who serves up this particular dish of crap, so it has to be my choice whether or not to continue to partake of it. if i do not like the taste, i am the one who has to step away from the table, so today i think i will let that happen.
so off to the real world to deal with the real problems and not to buy a shiny new toy, even if it is $400 off list price.
∞ DT ∞