Blog entry for:

is not as painful as it once was. a year ago i was lamenting the fact that i would be leaving service behind and ironically the situation changed with no application of my own personal power and i am once again serving the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living, by carrying a message of hope to those who may be hopeless. a year ago i was also writing about those men in my life who Sponsees In Name Only. i have come to the place that if they do not choose to maintain a relationship, it is not up to me, to try to maintain one either. i am not quite sure where this attitude may take me, but i am certainly being freed from the burden of doing more work on these relationships than they are willing to do for themselves. one of those men will have sixteen years clean tomorrow and perhaps i will ask where he is taking his key tag at, so i might be able to show up.
as i learn to live the life of a contractor, i see that even though i do not get paid time off, i can still make things work. i am not really sure if i want to make a transition over to a full-time employee again, as i sort of have the FREEDOM to work when i want to and if i do not show up at the office, there really is nothing they can do. the transitory nature of this kind of work is without a doubt a bit off-putting and yet, at the same time it is sort of thrilling, as i feel i have more power in the workplace than i had when i was an employee. that all may be smoke and mirrors to assuage my feelings of not being “good enough” to be offered a full-time position. no need to dwell in that house of pain, as i am coming to believe i am good enough to do the job i was hired to do.
back to the remorse part of the reading. do i feel remorseful that i did not lift a finger to save the reputation of the person who went down in flames eleven months ago? i do not. i do however feel remorse over feeling the glee to watch that train wreck happen in slow-motion and bloodied survivors that emerged from under the weight of their own self-will. what they attempted to accomplish was not a bad idea, how they chose to accomplish it, was a bad idea then and still would be one today. if they truly wanted to create something that could last, they could have very well, put the same energy into building it from the ground up and encouraging those who were to benefit to help build and maintain it. instead of handing it to them as a fait accompli. it has been my experience that when one does not participate in the creation of something, one has little or no ownership of it. when i do not feel as if i have a stake in something, it is easy for me to walk away and not really care if it thrives or withers on the vine.
as i prepare to head out on my 10K loop this morning, i will remember that owning what is mine and what i worked to build is something i can take pride in doing. walking away from toxic situations and people is also something that i can own and allow myself to feel the remorse of giving something up, so i can be just a tad bit more healthy, just for today.

∞ DT ∞