Blog entry for:

of heartbreak and devastation too painful to consider. remorse was just one of the feelings i felt i had send into the blissful oblivion by using. well, that is when i actually felt it, most of the time i succeeded in feeling nothing, so it was not an issue. war stories aside, this morning what i heard is that i no longer need to feel remorse, provided i do the next right thing, what is the next right thing today? well some work, some fun and doing my best to be present for what is going on inside and outside of me. my daily inventory allows me to clean-up the wreckage of my present, when i succumb to my human nature, which happens a lot. it also provides me the means to see where i succeeded and where i was less than successful in my daily journey through life.
the reading was not about STEP 10, but using remorse to become ready to repair the damage i have done in the past, before coming to recovery and beyond. the nice part of the step process is that after some time, and some cycles through the 12 steps, most of the damage i did when i was using has been repaired, either directly or indirectly. as a result there is very little remorse for my actions in active addiction that needs to be dealt with, and that part of my life has been put into proper perspective. the EIGHTH Step is still part of my process, and i will once again approach it with the same fortitude and gusto as i have in the past, when i get back around to it, in this present step cycle. today, i feel little remorse, as a result of the process of becoming more than i ever was. living a life in active recovery is the weapon against doing things that i will feel remorseful about. the trail of pain and damage i cut so deep and wide, is barely visible anymore, and for that i credit the direction of a HIGHER POWER, that provides me the clues i need to live a life in FREEDOM form active addiction. perfectionist i may be, i can accept that, and accept that i will never live up to the high standards i set, because of this most of the remorse i feel is a result of the damage i do to myself. my reaction to those feelings are a lashing out on the person. place or thing, i think i can blame for that damage. after that happens i look to the real cause, which is me, once again beating myself up with the baseball bat of the impossibly high bar i set for myself. so my task today, is to be a bit kinder and gentler on myself and see how well i do succeed in living a program of active recovery. on that note of HOPE i do beleivev i will jump into the shower and see what i can get done today.

∞ DT ∞