Blog entry for:

in what i can see for my future, is a result of dealing with my past. i can say that my ability to finally get over my anger, bitterness and resentment is a direct result of the remorse i felt because i believed my Dad was malingering, when he actually had a broken hip. i still have a bit of shame over that whole affair and certainly my fair share of guilt, but this morning as i sat, what i heard was that it is time for me to forgive myself and move on. here is where i would need to inventory all the justifications and rationalizations that i used to foster that belief and my behaviors. a smokescreen, as it were, to assuage my conscience. instead, i am feeling hopeful that i learned a lesson about my aging parents and that lesson is to treasure the time they have left and be the “good son” everyone is telling me i am. instead of acting “as if” i care, actually care and do what i can to help them remain in their home for as long as possible.
that insight also helped with the feelings of disrespect i perceive, when i interact with my recalcitrant sponsee. the decision to move on has yet to be made, but today, i am comfortable, just sitting on my hands and let him come to whatever conclusion he may come to. i do not sense that he has any urgency in doing any recovery work and he has a shit ton of stuff on his plate right now. whether or not he “gets” that he needs to alter his life to fit a recovery program, or not, is not my stuff, so “active surveillance” is the action i will take.
for this addict, living in a manner that does not create a whole lot of shame, guilt and remorse, is certainly the easier, softer way. as i consider what i “need” to do today, i keep coming back to my health, my fitness and my professional skill-set. all of those are certainly on-going concerns and need to be addressed in real time. i got a call out to my Urologist to get clarification on my next steps. i need to change out my work-out shoes, but i am trying to get two more days out of them. i have been slacking on my training this week and i need to put in the hours to get another project completed. all in all, my concerns have a path to complete them, i just need to let go of being a lazy slob and move forward. it is a good day to use what personal power i do have and make myself a bit less of the person i am not, just for today.

∞ DT ∞