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i learn that change is how we move forward in our lives.
and boy oh boy is my sixth step working me over today. i find that i am more than a bit resistant to the changes that the process of the sixth step is trying to invoke. not that i am feeling a great deal of pain, or at least i am not consciously feeling it, but i am rebelling like a petulant spoiled brat. i find myself chafing at the various suggestions that i am being offered. i find myself swirling in a maelstrom of emotions and feelings, and i find myself doing whatever i can to resist acting out on my current set of behaviors. as a result, i have found isolation and silence to be the solution to the problem of me resisting the change that is going on in my internal landscape. what i want is to feel the glow i felt after completing my fifth step, that desire, unrealistic as it is, can only be replaced by allowing the change to happen within me, and moving forward into my seventh step. so it goes, i find myself up against these self-imposed walls all the time, and my selfishness and self-centered obsession are at the core of this behavior. of course, i should not forget that those are rooted in the fear of what my life will look like on the other end of this bit of the process.
so what is really going on inside me today? well i feel pissed-off and disrespected on a nearly constant basis these days. after all, does the world not know who i am? i am dissatisfied with what i am feeling, and think that after a few trips through the steps, this should be a slam dunk. and the truth is, that this is not. i feel just like i felt when i worked my last sixth step, and i do understand why some addicts choose to use rather than move through this step. so what is my solution for this day? well for one, finish my assignment so i can sit down with my sponsor, and two just let the f*ck go. it will be alright and i will be a better man for doing so. so off to the showers and into the real world. after all, all i have is today.

∞ DT ∞