Blog entry for:

of remaining the same is often akin to a frog in boiling pot of water, i am inured to feeling it, until it often far too late to avoid the consequences and events move on their seemingly own accord, much to my dismay. of course, when the consequences are upon me, i moan and wail about how unfair it all is, and where is the justice, even though i was amply warned and given the means to ameliorate the final outcome.
recently i have been on a soapbox about how long i held on to a concept of a HIGHER POWER that actually was ONE that was not working for me. in that case i would have tenaciously clung to that concept with a Vulcan Death Grip, until i ended up on the verge of relapse. i was quite certain that what i felt about changing into a concept that had been at the edges of my consciousness for a bit of time was absolutely, positively WRONG and that i NEEDED to surrender to the concept that worked for so many of my peers in recovery. i was determined NOT to make myself unique. ironically, as i grew more resentful over what “they” were making me do, i finally GOT that i was that “they.” it was not my peers who were keeping me from changing, it was me and my FEAR of getting too far “out there.”
yes, i am often riddled with Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt. that FUD spreads through my life from the tiniest of seeds. FUD fuels my resistance to change and allows me the FREEDOM to enjoy and even savor that pain, like some sort of spiritual-masochist. the odd part is that i am a total wimp and baby when it comes to physical pain, but just as when i am in spiritual pain, i do my utmost best to keep anyone from seeing that i am not the super hero i portray in my own mind. when i share at the meeting tomorrow morning, it might actually be an interesting one, as i know where i have been lately has been making a deist or two squirm. yes, i am far from cured, and making others squirm is not the point of why i share. i am not certain why when i share my experience of holding onto something for far too long, might make others uncomfortable, it is what i have been feeling and “hearing” lately.
my journey to letting go of what actually never worked for me, still makes me feel a bit bitter and disappointed in myself. more than once, i was given encouragement to strike out, let go of my expectation and find a HIGHER POWER that fit me, and each and every time, i ended up right where i was, well maybe not right where i was, but certainly not too far away. that comforting echo of what was comes back to me today, as i wait to see if i got the job i interviewed for on Wednesday afternoon. i want tp get down on my hands and knees and pray for a specific outcome, even though it would be no different than the “GOD, save me from my idiocy,” kind of prayers that punctuated my days and nights of active addiction. i want to “relapse” back into that old and very uncomfortable shoe, to make myself feel better and more in “control.” the fact is, fitting DESIRE of outcomes into my current spiritual path is something i have yet to master. i see this waiting game as an opportunity for growth that will allow me to see what i need to do, examine my feelings, figure out how to let it go and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery take care of me. there is a piece of me that wishes i did not have knowledge of what was going on, but i also know that i have to know, because in the long run, the choice with its attendant consequences will be mine.
so off to the salt mines, as it were and see if i can do the job i am being paid for, while i await the results of a process that is out of my purview and control.

∞ DT ∞