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sounds like a recipe for disaster, at least to the part of me i call my disease. oh yeah, that is an accommodation to the politically correct. i may not buy into the whole disease concept, but I DO KNOW THAT I THINK AND BEHAVE DIFFERENTLY THAN THE OTHER 85% OF THE HUMAN RACE. that does not forward this exercise, so i will leave it at that.
so something fundamental shifted inside of me yesterday and i let go of an enormous pile of crap that i had decided to cling to with all my might. apparently, the person i was trying to prevent from doing something backed down and walked away as well. i will see if that is the case later today.
i woke up yesterday and realized, that there was nothing really for me to hold on to there. no prestige, no money, nothing but heartache and resentment. yet i wanted to cling to all of that, as if it was something that would make me…
which swings me around to the topic at hand: embracing change.
i know that the universe operates on the principle of entropy. that is the principle, that is that all things go from a more ordered, less chaotic state into decay, unless energy is applied constructively. the metaphor is easily extended to my life, when i was using and did nothing to foster personal growth, things got worse, i became less capable of being human and the only thing i became better at was the getting the ways and means. that is where all my constructive energy went and as a result, that is what i got. the fact that i had to be a roommate in a house, instead of having my own place was irrelevant, as my resources were better devoted to the pursuit of my chemical happiness. the fact that the only people in my life, that i still had any sort of relationship with were either related to me by blood or people that i could use for whatever, just further illustrates that point. even way back then, i was resistant to change and only let new things, people and ideas into my life after an arduous vetting process. to come from a background like that and emerge in a program of recovery in and of itself, was quite a shock to my system and came close to overturning the proverbial apple cart.
as i sit here this morning, more than just a few days past that particular experience, i can see illustrated so magnificently for me, that the events of the past few days, are a symptom of the entropy in my program. i am changing, that process happens with or without my consent. where my power lies, is whether i want that change to be for the better or for the worse. my choice, right here and right now is for the better. that means that just for today, i NEED to put the energy back into my life that i have been letting drain away into chaos. just for today, i have to make the constructive changes that will free me from self-will and bondage to entitlement and expectations. yes i have to walk through my FEAR and embrace something new, unless of course, i want to stay in the steaming pile of sh!t that my life once was. so off to the races, it is a great day to be a part of a solution.

∞ DT ∞