Blog entry for:

i have stayed in situations that are no longer working far longer than i have to, simply because what is familiar feels safer than the unknown. or perhaps it is that i am just lazy. boy a quick diversion to the blame game and i am done, hey i like that. blame everything on a character defect, then fall into the old **i am what i am** gig and bingo, absolved of all my sins. if only the catholic church caught on to this, man they would have the world beating a path and i mean a real deep path, probably as deep as the grand canyon to their doors. so enough of the levity this morning, i know that what the reading was getting at, not that i can shift the blame for staying in painful situations, no what it is talking about is me, making the changes in my life to get out of the painful situations before it is done for me. you know that modicum of control that i have. i am after all, not powerless over my behaviors, and as comfortably familiar as that old pain may be, it is not a healthy place for me to remain. i also know, that the FORCE that keeps me clean often takes care of these situations for me, giving me a swift kick in the proverbial ass, to make the decision to move into a new situation for me. i know choosing not to choose is still a choice < BLAH,BLAH,BLAH >.
well since i have seemed to summarily dismiss any thesis from the reading, what exactly am i talking about? well for me, i do know that i am far more comfortable about bitching and moaning about a bad situation than i am taking the action to change it. it would be wonderful to say that this is based in laziness, when honestly it is based in the FEAR of the unknown as well as the FEAR of pain, especially unknown and incalculable pain. and the biggest irony of all? the pain of change, in my experience, while not to be dismissed is transitory and most of the time over very quickly, whereas the pain of not changing is permanent and constant. to be paralyzed by the FEAR of without a doubt is the lesser of two evils makes absolutely no sense to me, and yet i participate in that insanity, time and time again. no one ever said that i would get cured or even better, that is up to me. at least recognizing this as insane is a step in the correct direction and one that will allow me to be more than i was yesterday. the hope? that after some time, a bit of practice, even an addict like me, can succumb to the need to allow change to happen and actively participate in it, rather than allowing it to happen by default. entropy is the natural order and it is up to me, to put the energy into my recovery system if i want to choose keep it from devolving into the chaos of untreated addiction. so off to the races, for it is now time to go earn my ice cream for today.

∞ DT ∞