โ i can cling to my fears, doubts, self-loathing, or hatred โ
Posted: Tue, Jun 15, 2010 07:47:09 AM
because there is a certain distorted security in familiar pain. stepping out from the familiar into the unknown is always quite the trick for me. this morning, however, this exercise is not going to be one of self-flagellation. instead i do think i will step off in a different direction. this morning, i love myself too much, to abuse myself so early in the day.
what i heard and feel, is that although i like staying in a painful place because it is familiar and i suffer from FEAR of the unknown, when i grow some cajones, and actually practice a bit of FAITH and COURAGE, i am rewarded beyond my dreams. no gold coins do not rain down around me, nor do i all of a sudden find myself in this sparkling brand new life. i do however find myself in a sparkling and new place, one that is luxurious and more comfortable than the place i just left behind. yes, even that shower of gold coins can be literally painful as they strike my body. the irony here, is no matter how many times i come out of a change process, no matter how great the rewards for allowing that process to occur, i am still resist and balk. it is not the process of change that hurts so much, it is my resistance to that process. one might conclude that i am either stupid or a masochist to fight that process over and over and over again. such a conclusion could be valid based on the preponderance of the evidence. so where is all of this leading? well, i am quite tired of being my own worst enemy in this respect. i am tired of fighting and scratching and clawing to stave off what is inevitable. that does sound a bit disheartening, but it is an accurate assessment. IF i CHOOSE to live a life of active recovery, CHANGE HAPPENS! there is no getting around that fact. when i choose not to use, and then choose to do whatever it takes not to use, i open the door for a day in active recovery. i can white knuckle it, or i can pick up the program and live the spiritual principles to the best of my ability. if i CHOOSE the latter, guess what? i will foster the process of change, so giving in and surrendering is the easier, softer way, it really is that simple.
even though i was restless and even though i am clueless as to whether or not i have big projects on my desk, and most of all even though i am unable to predict what pain the process of change will bring about today, i do believe that i can walk forward into this day, get out and hit the streets confident in knowing that all will be well, and that my resistance to change is one of the primary sources of my pain not the change itself. so let me see how open and willing i can be to that process today.
what i heard and feel, is that although i like staying in a painful place because it is familiar and i suffer from FEAR of the unknown, when i grow some cajones, and actually practice a bit of FAITH and COURAGE, i am rewarded beyond my dreams. no gold coins do not rain down around me, nor do i all of a sudden find myself in this sparkling brand new life. i do however find myself in a sparkling and new place, one that is luxurious and more comfortable than the place i just left behind. yes, even that shower of gold coins can be literally painful as they strike my body. the irony here, is no matter how many times i come out of a change process, no matter how great the rewards for allowing that process to occur, i am still resist and balk. it is not the process of change that hurts so much, it is my resistance to that process. one might conclude that i am either stupid or a masochist to fight that process over and over and over again. such a conclusion could be valid based on the preponderance of the evidence. so where is all of this leading? well, i am quite tired of being my own worst enemy in this respect. i am tired of fighting and scratching and clawing to stave off what is inevitable. that does sound a bit disheartening, but it is an accurate assessment. IF i CHOOSE to live a life of active recovery, CHANGE HAPPENS! there is no getting around that fact. when i choose not to use, and then choose to do whatever it takes not to use, i open the door for a day in active recovery. i can white knuckle it, or i can pick up the program and live the spiritual principles to the best of my ability. if i CHOOSE the latter, guess what? i will foster the process of change, so giving in and surrendering is the easier, softer way, it really is that simple.
even though i was restless and even though i am clueless as to whether or not i have big projects on my desk, and most of all even though i am unable to predict what pain the process of change will bring about today, i do believe that i can walk forward into this day, get out and hit the streets confident in knowing that all will be well, and that my resistance to change is one of the primary sources of my pain not the change itself. so let me see how open and willing i can be to that process today.
∞ DT ∞