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than to let go of it for the unknown. the enemy i know is better than the friend i do not. certainly an interesting paradigm to live by. as ridiculous as it sounds, allowing myself the freedom to exchange my current pain, for some unknown change, is a paradigm i still find myself participating in. this conundrum is summed up so succinctly by my conversation with an addict i had last night. he knows he is living in an unhealthy manner, he desires to live in a manner that will keep him alive and healthy for his family and yet, he cannot bring himself to make the changes necessary to manifest that change. emotionally and intellectually he is prepared to do what it takes but spiritually he is not.
that sort of reasoning is not that foreign or alien to me. over and over again, i participate in an unhealthy situation because i fear the results of letting go. a recent example? well my desire to repair a relationship with a friend i had to let go of, not so long ago. the problem? well although i love her, i absolutely cannot tolerate her behavior. intellectually i know she will not change, emotionally i love her for who she is, not who i want her to be. spiritually, however. i have yet to grow where i can live and tolerate who she is. the problem is not with her, it rests with me, and i cannot see my way through to how i can accept what she is and will be. as much as i desire something, the insanity is believing that i can return to a unhealthy relationship, without damaging myself. just like i can smoke one cigarette without triggering the NEED to smoke more. i may be able to resist that NEED, but why should i put myself through that brand of pain and misery. i deserve to treat myself better!
so where does HOPE become DELUSION?
an interesting thought and one that will have to wait as the events of the morning are making me choose to workout with this exercise only partially complete.
well as always, a bit of mileage cleared out my head and provided a FRESH start to this topic. as i ran the miles, and as i felt the protest of my tired muscles, i came to the realization that i am not just a self sadomasochist. what it is, is the insidious lies i tell myself about the nature of who i am and my place in the world. my so-called addict within, can no longer get me to behave in the manner which i grew accustomed to in the years that comprised my active addiction, so new tricks and subtle lies, ones that ring of the truth, are what is required to keep me spiritually sick. hence the continuation of being sick when a healthy choice is available, and most of all apparent to me. like my friend from the springs, i see the solution, i can grasp the solution and yet i have no desire to actually implement the solution for whatever reason.
i did not however get to the question at hand, when does my HOPE become delusion? when i expect different results given the same set of parameters for any given situation.i know i cannot be friends with that old friend, because expecting her to change is not an option, and i have not grown enough to love her as hes is, so distance and cordial interactions are the best i can HOPE for, and rebuilding that relationship is a delusion.
it is time to wrap this off, shower off the past 24 and get moving into my next task of the day, a new project that will put some bread in my pocket as well as on my table.

∞ DT ∞