ฮด my mind manufactures a hundred excuses... ฮ
Posted: Thu, Jun 15, 2006 06:46:25 AM
...for remaining right where i am, afraid to try something new. and of course on an intellectual level i know what this is all about -- that stinky, beat-up old shoe, although no longer functional is a whole lot more comfortable than that new pair i just saw in the store. i know an awful analogy comparing my life to an article of clothing that may or may not be a fashion statement, but the image and emotions that are evoked when i think about the analogy are particularly apt for me. i am coming to the end of a period of major change in my life circumstances, one that was partially initiated by me and partially thrust upon me by outside influences.
i had come to the place in my life where it was time to up my level of commitment with the woman i love. so after rattling her cage, we decided to start the process of merging our disparate lives, and for that decision was quite enough change for right now, thank you very much!
ah, but the forces that be had something different in mind for this addict and all of a sudden i was faced with a change in career and employment status change. and not only that i was then faced with how to handle success at least in a financial sense. then i was hit with a weeklong event to serve the fellowship that has given me this new life and major paradigm shifts in what i thought was part of my personal program and how i interact with those with whom i share this program.
so finally after four months of uncertain terrain, i am finally getting my feet back under me, and the ground finally feels stable and WHAM, along comes this reading reminding me that it is not change that is painful, rather it is my resistance to change that causes my pain. it is not those events that force change upon me, those events whose coming i still dread that are the source of my pain, no DAMMIT, it is my stubborn desire to hang on to the familiar misery that is the wellspring of my pain. and that little revelation is enough to knock a bit of wind out of my sails this morning, because once again i am shown that i am my own worst enemy, and i hate to be reminded of that on any level.
so what if any do i plan to do with this little entry in the just for today book? well i am not about to go out and initiate any new change today, however i may become just a little more accepting of the inevitable change that life will be presenting as i march through my day. and acceptance, at least for this addict is never a bad spiritual principle to practice!
i had come to the place in my life where it was time to up my level of commitment with the woman i love. so after rattling her cage, we decided to start the process of merging our disparate lives, and for that decision was quite enough change for right now, thank you very much!
ah, but the forces that be had something different in mind for this addict and all of a sudden i was faced with a change in career and employment status change. and not only that i was then faced with how to handle success at least in a financial sense. then i was hit with a weeklong event to serve the fellowship that has given me this new life and major paradigm shifts in what i thought was part of my personal program and how i interact with those with whom i share this program.
so finally after four months of uncertain terrain, i am finally getting my feet back under me, and the ground finally feels stable and WHAM, along comes this reading reminding me that it is not change that is painful, rather it is my resistance to change that causes my pain. it is not those events that force change upon me, those events whose coming i still dread that are the source of my pain, no DAMMIT, it is my stubborn desire to hang on to the familiar misery that is the wellspring of my pain. and that little revelation is enough to knock a bit of wind out of my sails this morning, because once again i am shown that i am my own worst enemy, and i hate to be reminded of that on any level.
so what if any do i plan to do with this little entry in the just for today book? well i am not about to go out and initiate any new change today, however i may become just a little more accepting of the inevitable change that life will be presenting as i march through my day. and acceptance, at least for this addict is never a bad spiritual principle to practice!
∞ DT ∞