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find out I was not THAT ...! one of the most popular lines i hear from those who have been **around** the rooms, but always seem to be coming **back,** is that me and my peers are judging the FVCK out of them and they do not feel comfortable. it would be nice for me to honestly say that we are not, but at least for me, i know that would be more than a little white lie. i judge and the i weigh my actions on how would i feel if …
where this is going this morning, is that i, once was one of those who only exposed those parts of the truth and myself, to allow the judgement machines of others to judge me favorably. careful editing of the truth was my reaction to the FEAR of being found out. i was a master of deception by hiding in plain sight, especially when i was merely abstinent and certainly through the first decade of my recovery. fortunately for me anyhow, enough real honesty and willingness crept into my being, to allow me to start to loosen the reins and finally allow myself to be freed from what i thought i was.
i do not know how often that process plays out in the minds of my peers, but it has become my filter when dealing with my peers who “around” recovery, sampling the waters, committing for a minute, then bailing the first time something happens that they do not desire. life on its own terms can be tough, as i am finding out these days. i understand a little drop of poison may provide a bit of relief, but for me anyhow, the consequences of what happens next are far too great.
accepting others for who they are, at times, feels like a Jedi mind trick that i just cannot master. the thief who shows up at my home group has yet to apologize and i am starting to build a bit of a resentment. here, especially in this situation, is where the principle of acceptance has to play out. that little fVcker may never own up to what he did, as he attempted to rationalize his behavior by saying he thought it was “left behind,” so of course that gave him license to take it. just for today, i certainly need to accept that he may never, ever come to a point in his life where he can face what he has done to me and others and actually repair the damage. some are sicker than others, and today i choose the path of spiritual wellness: forgiveness and acceptance.

∞ DT ∞