Blog entry for:

a hundred excuses to remain in my, oh so familiar pain and resist anything that looks like change. i have to admit, that right now i am far from **at my best.**my job has robbed me of sleep the past two nights, oops, that whine is not accurate, having to binge through a TV program on Thursday night, and then my job over the past twenty-six hours have robbed me of a decent night's sleep, the past two nights. see, i am so used to blame-shifting that i started to leave my part out of it and cast my job as the villain in this whole affair. it is just a simple fact, that when i came to recovery, i had a doctorate in blame-shifting and letting go of that “ability” to take responsibility for anything has been a tough road to travel. whether or not blame-shifting and resistance to change are attributes i share with the rest of humankind or not, i know that as an addict, i took those nice little behaviors to an extreme.
as i sat this morning and listened to what i was feeling, i realized that i am so much better off than i ever was when i was using. i am more open to change, even though at times i resist it with all my might. even though i often whine about how important it is for me to look good in through the eyes of my peers, that DESIRE actually plays a far smaller role than i seem to imply. it is similar to me saying: “man that dish was delicious, balanced and a delight to look at, except for the ugly yellow plate it was presented on.” like that tasty dish, the self-deprecation goes back to the notion that every time i say i am practicing humility, i am actually practicing conceit and braggadocio. it is playing to the cynical image that i have so carefully groomed over the days since i became a member. it is my version of being a slogan and bumper-sticker addict. 😝
my little petulant bout over being treated with disrespect that i wrote about yesterday, has faded into the background noise. i have no idea what is going on in the head of that particular peer, nor do i wish to start casting about fro the ways and means to dismiss their “bad” behavior. what i will do, now that i know where the button has been installed, is temper my reaction and learn to be forgiving, rather than the judgemental and self-entitled f*ck that i know so well. they are not the ones that require change, they are who they are, it is me who needs to look for a better way to acknowledge my feelings rather than pounding them into the pavement as i put the miles in. i have to admit as i imagines grinding them into dust with every step i took yesterday, felt very good and might be considered a healthy release by some. as i sat last night and contemplated my day, i saw that as a diversion to releasing my anger at being treated that way. it is true, i am not now, nor will i ever be a saint, that can “turn the other cheek,” without hesitation. i am however, on the path of changing what i believe i am “owed” and letting go of those impossible to fulfill expectations i place on those around me. my desire to hold on to those expectations and build my world around them is certainly something i can allow to be changed, all i have to do is to decide to allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to take care of that part of my will and my life, just for today.

∞ DT ∞