โ despite my fears of rejection, i decided to risk โ
Posted: Sun, Jun 17, 2007 09:19:03 AM
revealing myself, my beliefs, and my needs. i decided to let down my defensive walls.
and much to my surprise,n i have not yet died from taking the risk of letting others see the REAL me. do not get me wrong, i still have walls that i still hide behind. i still have fear that revealing myself, all of myself to everyone will have consequences that are beyond my capability to handle. that being said, i am much less fearful these days, and i guess just a wee bit more courageous than ever before. it has been my experience that revealing who i am and what i am about is better than the alternative, a miserable existence, trapped behind the walls of fear, discontent and isolation.
so here i sit, on the beautiful sunday morning, having done way more work than i had planned musing about the nature of fear and loathing in recovery. loathing, you may ask, well part of why i built walls and still maintain a few, is that i have yet to entirely give up on the fact that i am not worth loving. there still is a part of me, perhaps the part i call my disease, which believes that no matter what i do, no matter how long i stay clean, i will forever be a piece of sh*t. and if i allow that part of me to rule my life, i will end-up once again trapped in active addiction.
so the battle continues, and probably will do so for life. today however i am okay with allowing you all to see me for who i am, an addict choosing to recover one more day.
and much to my surprise,n i have not yet died from taking the risk of letting others see the REAL me. do not get me wrong, i still have walls that i still hide behind. i still have fear that revealing myself, all of myself to everyone will have consequences that are beyond my capability to handle. that being said, i am much less fearful these days, and i guess just a wee bit more courageous than ever before. it has been my experience that revealing who i am and what i am about is better than the alternative, a miserable existence, trapped behind the walls of fear, discontent and isolation.
so here i sit, on the beautiful sunday morning, having done way more work than i had planned musing about the nature of fear and loathing in recovery. loathing, you may ask, well part of why i built walls and still maintain a few, is that i have yet to entirely give up on the fact that i am not worth loving. there still is a part of me, perhaps the part i call my disease, which believes that no matter what i do, no matter how long i stay clean, i will forever be a piece of sh*t. and if i allow that part of me to rule my life, i will end-up once again trapped in active addiction.
so the battle continues, and probably will do so for life. today however i am okay with allowing you all to see me for who i am, an addict choosing to recover one more day.
∞ DT ∞