Blog entry for:

to love and be loved, which was something i used to be quite certain that i could live without, after all, allowing myself to be loved and to return that love was quite a dangerous proposition. i could go on and on, with great passion, about how much better i am today, yes i could, that is not who i am today. when i fall into that sort of behavior pattern, and if one reads through these little entries, one can certainly find many examples of those thought patterns, i wonder who the fVck i am trying to convince? the fact is, in my paradigm of living a program, what i do, how i live my life and how i treat others, is far more important that climbing up on a soapbox and screaming quite passionately how much better i am than i was yesterday. the topic today, certainly could lend itself to that sort of treatment, and yet the fact is, i would rather move along and speak to what might appear to be tangential issues.
FEAR ruled my life when i was using and certainly in early recovery. one of my greatest FEARS was that i would get slammed to the ground emotionally, if i allowed anyone in, and my experience proved that theorem. time and again. i became a predator, looking for the most neediest and the sickest, so i could maintain power in the relationship, know that could not fall for that sort of person and when i left them, as was always my intention, ti could do so without any shame or guilt, after all there were just… i often quip about “semen receptacles,” but that quip is far closer to the truth than anything else. learning how to value myself was the first step towards learning how to assign value to others in my life. once i saw my relative worth, i GOT to finish the task of learning to love and be loved and to do so courageously, not fearlessly. as i grew the cajones to be a part of loving relationships, my FEAR did not vanish into the ether, but each and every time i took a risk, the power my FEAR had over me, diminished ever so slightly. i GOT better, despite myself and for that i am grateful today, on this greeting card holiday of Father\'s Day. i can be a part of my family, i can show them the love and respect they have earned and i can be okay gratefully receiving their offerings, just for today.
life is, however life today and i need to run out to Walgreen's to participate in the consumer frenzy that marks this day, even though i had more than enough chances to do so, over the past few days. i am what i am, slovenly, lazy and forgetful from time to time, but just for today, i am not ungrateful for what i have.

∞ DT ∞