Blog entry for:

i know that i came to recovery without trust and as a result had built very thick defensive walls. over the course of my recovery process, i find that although the walls are thinner, they still exist.
FEAR is a powerful motivator for this addict, nevertheless, i am doing my best to become an open person.
i never thought that those same walls while protecting my fragile sense of self, were also preventing me from experiencing love. it makes sense to me this morning that by keeping people out, i was actually locking myself in. you know the same old rub -- love me, but stay away -- do not get too close.
learning to let go of my defenses, and allow the recovery process to work is where i am today. i have seen the results of self-will, and i am not happy about those consequences. the only good thing that has come out of my latest bout of self-will is the willingness to once again let go of my will once more and let something else care for my life.
so anyway, off to my day, with a few new things to cogitate over the next 24 hours.
∞ DT ∞