Blog entry for:

break down the walls that still imprison me. some days, i can lift my seed as is, from the morning reading, maybe a change to the first person, but generally not a whole lot of editing is involved. this morning, i almost did the same thing, but i made a couple of edits, to reflect the reality of my situation today. i am still not quite free of the walls i built when i was out there running and gunning, as the popular meme goes. in fact, the isolation and separation i still have present in my life today, was probably in place long before that very first get high. when i say i isolated to keep from getting hurt, i really mean it. for me, it was more than just a life choice, it felt like a life saver, and to have that attitude removed is taking more me than i expected. yes, one would have thought by now, that i would be open book and yet, i still find places in myself that are closed off to not only the general public, but also to those who i love and care for, and who love and care for me. so it really is no wonder the confusion i feel when i am dealing with someone who NEEDS everything done for them, by someone else. growing dependent upon the kindness of others is one of the fearful notions to me.
as i learn to open up, decimate those walls, i do find that i feel more pain, more fear and an ever increasing sense of doom, from time tot time. yest, i still want to be more human, more open and yes more connected with those i love. in my casual and professional relationships, well not so much, as i have yet to move into my life as an open book phase of my recovery. allowing myself to TRUST and HOPE is slowly but surely coming to fruition and i am grateful that i can see that as a project to undertake. the question that remains, is can i teach someone who is afraid to be alone and rely upon themselves to become okay with getting the answers they need from within and learning how to be alone, without being lonely? that answer has yet to be revealed. i FEEL, that is my path in this one relationship and it is not as a sponsor or mentor, it has to be as an equal, caring and concerned for sure, but no more than that. rebooting a relationship that was unhealthy for quite some time, is not the easiest task i have undertaken, and perhaps i can learn from rebuilding a relationship that has been dormant for just as long.
dunno, and today i do care. so i will carry the notion with me that, if i want to be better connected to my world, than it is up to me to lay those cables and break down the barriers that separate me form my peers, loved ones and acquaintances.

∞ DT ∞