Blog entry for:

and trustworthiness has been, since the dawn of my actual recovery, the cornerstone of becoming the sport of person i never thought i could be. although i was not a great liar, i could tell enough of the truth to manipulate the listener into believing what i wanted them to believe. if it furthered my social standing, i would back-stab and gossip about “friends.” i would rip someone off in a heartbeat and i actually stole dope from friends and helped them tear the living room apart to find it. because i knew i was less than trustworthy, i trusted no one else, after all, those i hung with, were just like me in this regard. coming to a place where i could trust at least one person was an arduous journey and testing those i wanted to trust with “trust bombs,” revelations about myself that were less than savory, was my means of verifying that they were not “telling tales out of school.” in this respect, i just might have been sicker than most. 😜
as i sat this morning, i realized how ironic my letter to the man that used to call me his sponsor was, especially when i spoke of the connections i have made because i kept coming to meetings and kept hanging out with my peers in recovery. the fact of the matter is, those with whom i have connected and built relationships are trusted by me and i am trusted by them. we certainly have each other's back and would go to hell and back again to help each other out. there is not one my relationships from the “good old days” that came anything close to that “gold” standard. it is just more evidence of the power of recovery that works in my life, just for today. the irony, in case i was being obtuse, is that i told him two or three letters ago, that i did not trust him and he got all sorts of pissed-off and out of balance. i am not sure of what the path is for him to regain my trust, but i will know it when i see it.
as i seem to be falling asleep at the wheel here, figuratively speaking, i better post this little ditty and get up and move around. i trust that my body is telling me to do something that i am barely willing to do, so i go with the flow and cave to my physical need. i guess a quick power nap is on tap and that sounds and feels like a great idea in the here and now. so off to dreamland for a few winks.

∞ DT ∞