Blog entry for:

for love and intimacy certainly was not something i believed i had, when i got clean. in fact i once told my sponsor that i believed i only could love so much and if i wanted to love more, i would have to let someone or something i loved go by the wayside. instead of disabusing of that notion, he simply said: “interesting.” at the time i thought he was agreeing with me, but over the course of my recovery, i have come to see that belief as part of the “stories” i told myself, to keep my distance. the foundation of my nearly demolished belief structure as it were and certainly a defense mechanism to protect the lie under which i was living. after crawling out from under that rock, what was left of my carefully crafted and nearly impenetrable wall that was bolstered by a unhealthy belief structure, was wiped from the landscape in a tidal wave of emotion and gratitude.
just as my sponse could not move me to a new place and it took several more years for me to realize how my belief structure had erected a wall between myself and reality, so it is with my sponsee. i cannot do for him what he needs to do for himself. until i was willing to look at stuff i though i had “dealt with,” and share it with my sponse, i remained trapped behind the walls i built over the course of my life. they were not nearly as high as before, but they still prevented me from being a part of the human race. i was isolated, alone and certainly barely social, even in a crowded house, and i saw nothing wrong with that manner of living. i am quite good at gaslighting myself. i was far from joyful and not quite miserable. living in that limbo was “good enough” as it meant i did not need to reveal the whole truth about me, to anyone, any time soon. today, i do not regret living like that, but i am certainly not going back there. i like having a life full of messy emotions, tricky relationships and people who love and respect me. just for today, i will be okay with being on the other side of the ruins of my walls of isolation.

∞ DT ∞