Blog entry for:

i reach out in deeper, more meaningful ways, even though i might get hurt. what did i hear this morning? well as i sat quietly and pondered the meaning of life the universe and everything, at least with respect to this entry in the annual cycle, i was struck by a couple of thoughts. the first was that the fear of rejection that paralyzed me when i was in active addiction, and at various times throughout my recovery has been greatly diminished. in fact, if looking over my actions and behavior over the past year or so, i would have to say it has been eliminated, as i have stood up for myself, been honest about what i see, and basically stopped being a doormat for anyone. the result of being aggressively assertive, has been incredible for my personal growth. by standing up for myself, i may have lost a friend or an acquaintance, but i have gained so much more, that the cost is worth the price. honestly, if friendship is all about kowtowing and being a trained monkey, than what kind of relationship is that really? if earning respect means i have to take someone’s, oh so polite, condescension than what kind of respect am i really getting? honestly the aggressive part is something that i need to let go of, and let the FORCE that keeps me clean scrub from my character, but the assertive part is something i will actively pursue. i can tell you now, that the amount of self-worth and self-respect i have gained over the past year has been worth the cost. you know, i might have acted like i did not care what others thought of me in the past, and perhaps i fooled some people in that respect, i certainly never fooled myself, however i am certainly moving into a realm where i am depending less and less about others may think about me, and more and more into being the man i truly am, in all aspects of my life.
i am sure there will be more wailing and gnashing of the teeth as i move forward, perhaps someone will actually want to have a REAL conversation about moving our relationship into an equal partnership, or perhaps not, all of that in is out of my control and at the whim of the semi-random forces of human behavior.
okay i said i was struck by two thoughts, and that is correct. the second and perhaps more telling of the threads i felt this morning, is the deepening of the relationships where i am a true intimate over the past year. those REAL friendships and other loving relationships have certainly deepened to a point where i am more vulnerable than ever. that vulnerability is a sign of the walls i so carefully crafted being destroyed bit by bit. sure i may get hurt, sure may walk away never to return, BUT i am unwilling to live in shallow relationships anymore. i have been taught to swim, so the natural thing to do is explore the deep end and see what i can find. the rewards of exploring the deep end far outweigh the risks, and part of what i am evolving into craves the intimacy that i have only lately begun to achieve. i am more than the sum of my skills and education and the time has come for me to be more than the sum of my parts, instead of just say so. after all, my family was grateful for me being present in Spokane last week, and hopefully they will also be grateful for me being present in Hatteras next week. i am who i am and i am becoming more than i ever thought was possible.
on that note i do believe it is time to take my running tour of the neighborhood and see what i can get done on this day. until tomorrow -- CU L8R.

∞ DT ∞