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FEAR of being hurt was one of the driving forces in my active addiction. the paradigm i lived with was, if i allowed someone in my life, then i was going to get hurt. the easier, softer way, was to build walls to protect myself from them trespassing against me. in fact, my safety was the delusion i used to fuel my denial and denial of course allowed me to remain in active addiction for far longer than i probably needed to. walking into the rooms did little to relieve my FEAR, after all those in the rooms kept trying to get through my walls and i worked harder to keep them out. those eighteen months of trying to separate myself from the pack, felt like the next correct thing to do. IF i had not reached a place of desperate angst, i would still be living on an emotional island fortress.
once the walls started to crack and crumble, my FEAR was transformed into HOPE. the HOPE i was starting to feel was that i was worth allowing others to become part of my life and willing to reach out to them. FEAR of relapse loomed large and i still kept all sorts of shite, under the radar, exploding tiny “trust bombs,” to test the waters as it were. each time i took a chance, i grew a bit more courage and overt time, the HOPE i had that maybe i could deal with people in my life, grew into FAITH that i could survive the hurt that letting others might bring.
today, i live in a world that is full of others: peers, acquaintances, family members, friend and random strangers that may cross my path. not that i allow all of any one of those groups totally into my life, but i am better at knowing how far to let them in and how to treat them as my equals, rather than adversaries with whom i am competing in the rat race of life. letting others in, respecting who they are and seeing them as equals, are still tasks that are part of my daily program. i am glad that i do not have to be perfect at doing it, all i have to is my best, just for today.

∞ DT ∞