Blog entry for:

believe that i do have a great capacity for love and intimacy. at the risk of sounding weak and feeble, this has been an issue for me since way before i ever got clean. i allowed myself to be a victim of social anxiety and withdrawing into a drug hazed fantasy world of self-entitlement, self-obsession and isolation. not that i knew better, way back then, even so, the echoes of what was, still permeate the what is, today.
ironically, my last set of steps was all about coming to terms with what i think my capacity to love and trust is, and what the reality of that capacity really is. even after twelve steps that addressed the lie i told myself, that fed my desire to be apart from everyone and everything, i still get to places where i wonder who is really zooming whom. my lack trust and my belief that i cannot risk intimacy, stems from who and what i think i am. i was a thief, a cheat and always out to get something for nothing. it then is no wonder., that IF i was like that i could believe that everyone else was just the same. step cycles and days of living the program, have certainly taken my desire to stay there away, but the belief that everyone MAY be out to get something over on me, still is part of my constitution. i want to trust and risk putting myself out there, and i resist because of my FEAR of rejection and being taken advantage of, by the same sort of people who were me. the cynic within, takes this FEAR and magnifies it out of proportion and locks me into a world of isolation and self-deprecation.it is quite true, i have been burned, that is just the nature of life in the real world. it is true, that some i want to trust, are still living a lie and seem to think i do not see it. that too, is part of living in the real world. all of that i am powerless over, and more than likely needs to be include in the powerless inventory i am writing in my head. learning to balance cynicism with intimacy is quite a feat, at least in my little world.
moving forward, as tough as it feels from time to time, consists of letting go of all the stories and lies i constantly tell myself. those “stories” buttress my belief that this a dawg eat dawg world, that any progress i make, will be negated by the undesirable parts of everyone else s behavior. the reality of the situation is that a bit of critical thinking and discernment opens me to the truth within me. i need not be defensive or ignorant because the world is turning away from the rational and presenting arguments that will not and cannot be true. the world is not flat. climate change is real. the world is way older than 6000 years and life is a precious gift, that i squandered for far too long. i can walk in partial isolation living in the fear of being spat upon, shat upon and ratted on, or stop telling myself the lies that feed my darkness.

∞ DT ∞