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that continues to set me free. it breaks down the walls that have imprisoned me for so long. not that i used to care that i was a prisoner of my own design, in fact, had one asked me if i minded being trapped by the walls of my own making, back in the day, i would have quite flippantly told them that of course not, as they keep me safe. that is correct, if i was aware of what i had done, i would have also been aware of why i did it. thinking back and trying to figure out how conscious i was of my behavior in active addiction is always a tricky proposition at best, as recent studies have shown that memories, especially ones that have a strong emotional charge are far from permanent or accurate.
moving forward, from this vantage point, i can easily state that i DID construct the walls of my own prison, and like an island surrounded by thousands of miles of water, those walls isolated and protected me from the world around me. if i allowed no one or nothing to intrude upon my secure space how could i get hurt. sure, i could not give or receive love either, but that tradeoff was certainly well within the price i was willing to pay.
recovery however, made me rethink this whole attitude and continues to teach me that i am NOT an island in the middle of no where, and more importantly i need NOT desire to behave like one. i can survive the pain of human interaction and i GET more out of reaching out than i ever give. this is not some zero sum game i need to play any longer.
does that mean i am without FEAR when it comes to being part of the a vibrant life that includes interacting with other human beings. i mean really, there are times when i would rather be facing a roaring Class V rapid, at least i know the possible outcomes for that adventure. life in active recovery, however, provides me the means to not only reach out but actually participate in these relationships, as the steps destroy the walls that i purposefully built over the course of my active addiction. so i am far from FEARLESS, but i can move forward in COURAGE.
yes, being a part of life is dangerous, and i may get severely injured emotionally as a result, however the alternative, retreating behind the walls of isolation is not where i want to go today. where do i want go? well out for a run, then off to a smoke-filled room to do some work, and finally an evening with the love of my life. more than enough for this man today, and if anything else happens to come down the pike, well i will just reach out and touch somebody, as the old advertising slogan goes. it is a great day for em to be a apart of my life.

∞ DT ∞