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when i admitted my powerlessness and sought help from others, the burden of my secret was lifted from me.
i has to eliminate one line that i lifted from the reading as it did not apply to me. perhaps a better explanation would be that i thought it did not apply. my shameful secret when i came to recovery was that i still had plans to use, all i needed to do was sit still long enough for the external storms in my life to pass and i would fly right back to my old life. something very wonderful happened as i sat still, came to meetings and listened to what was being said, i realized that my using, and the external storms were a result of the internal storms that had been raging within in me since before i ever used that very first time.
yuck, the last thing i wanted was that kind of self-knowledge, and i would be practicing false humility if i did not add, that sitting still meant going through the motions of recovery. doing things like getting a sponsor, working the steps in a very superficial manner, and allowing myself to have the belief in the possibility that there just might be a POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF. that was all recovery was for me in those days, maintaining appearances and looking like i really was working a program. the miracle is, that even that tiny bit of effort, for all my ulterior motives and lack of acceptance was enough to make me want to have something more. it took be the better part of eighteen months before the feeling truly sunk in, but as the days began to pile up, the contradictions between what i was and what i could become created a conflict within me, that could only be resolved in two ways, using or actually recovering. using was still not an option as those external forces still had my life in the judicial vise grips, so recovery was the option i chose. i am grateful today, that i made that first decision all those days ago.
these days i see that secret being exposed all the time, by the members who are coming to the rooms. i have come to realize that they, like me, are truly suffering and have a choice to make. so all i can offer is my experience, strength and hope about what it took for me to resolve that particular dilemma.
these days i am walking once again on the precipice of letting go of many things. the part of me i call my addict wants me to hold on to what i was, and reminds me all the time of my checkered past, in and out of recovery. the strength of the program, at least for me, is that i need not succumb to those whispers, i can live this day as an addict in recovery, have fun, and just let go of what i need to let go of. time is just time, social acceptability is just social acceptability, and both of those values are predicated on the proposition that i need to do whatever i can to recover today. after all i am only one use away from active addiction, and today i have no desire to return to that life.

∞ DT ∞