Blog entry for:

not because i am not ready to be rid of shame, because i believe i CANNOT be rid of it. well the equation here is quite simple my secrets are equivalent to my shame. when i am working a healthy and robust program of recovery, i have very little to be ashamed of, hence there is very little that needs to be kept in dank darkness of the part of me i call addiction. HOWEVER, when i am talking the talk and doing whatever the FVCK i please, the secrets start to mount, and of course the shame follows. after all, here i am spouting off about how fVcking spiritual i am, all the while acting like a complete d1ck-head a$$hole. i mean seriously, who would not feel ashamed by that?!
actually, that happens less and less often these days, as i have so many models of recovering addicts to emulate or do the exact opposite and the POWER that fuels my recovery provides me the cues to see which direction i need to go.
since i have worked the middles steps more than once, there is very little left in my past to cause me shame, as that stuff is not secret anymore. yeah, there is some stuff that i would prefer to part of general knowledge, yeah there is some very humiliating stuff as well. all of the being true, that stuff would be embarrassing at best, but can only shame me if i allow it to, as i have and am continuing to repair that damage to myself as well as others, including society in general.
all of that is quite nice, BUT what i am really hearing today, as i clear off the top layers of stuff, is that what i choose to hold on to and what i choose to surrender into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, is what is at the root of this whole issue. it is the self-will crap, that i want to keep on the QT, because how would it look if i let the whole world see the ways i am acting on self will in this day and age;. after all, i have some clean time and i have some recovery, and the last thing i want everyone to see is that i am wearing little or no clothes. it is no wonder, that i am having trouble experiencing the FAITH and the SURRENDER required by the THIRD STEP decision-making process.
so there you have it, i WILL NOT surrender my entire will and life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, or at least i have not been willing to do so, until very recently, like withing the past 10 days. i have been resisting, denying, justifying and rationalizing my need to, or even the fact that i would not. yes that is correct, i have the ability to (CAN) just not the desire to(WILL)and what has it gotten me? not a whole FVCKING lot, sleepless nights, the desire to be self-destructive and to withdraw, when the rest of me is striving to connect. it is shame that is driving that behavior, isolating and destructing, after all, if someone like me has trouble letting go, what kind of example am i setting for those who are walking this path as well? well as i wind down towards the end of this, i see the example as being a human being, with all my human assets anas well as liabilities, and when i work through all of that, at the end of the day, i am left with this choice, which way to go. my path lies through surrender today, and to the very best of my ability i will go with the flow and see where it goes.
it is off to the streets to work off some of the past day and to finish clearing my head so i can be as productive as possible today. all i have to do is remember where the POWER is that keeps me clean and let that POWER work in my life, just for right now.

∞ DT ∞