Blog entry for:

once again i arrive in this spot in the just for today readings -- one day about trusting the imperfect, unreliable humans that happen to be recovery and then sharing those secrets that cause me shame with my sponsor. although my opinion on trusting my secrets with my sponsor has not changed in the past year, i may have a word or two to write this morning as the caffeine kicks in and my music rocks.
a year ago, i was just in the process of starting to share my shame and my secrets with my new sponsor. the process of coming to trust him has moved much faster than at any time in the past. i do not know if this is a function of my desperation or my growth in recovery. i do know that my current sponsor knows me better than any in the past at this point in my step work. i also know that there are not a whole lot of secrets i am currently clasping on to, if any. i also am willing to look beyond what i think i know about myself and open-minded enough to share what i find, at least with my sponsor.
truthfully, most of my shame comes from me practicing behaviors that i have written about and shared at length with my sponsor and those closed-mouth friends i am close to. these are out in the open and everyone is witness to my inappropriate behaviors. i also know that the part of me that is my disease uses rationalizations and shame as weapons against the part of me that desires recovery, so the battle rages on, with my only allies being those who carry my secrets. and it always boils down to that i am acting out of fear or i just want to avoid whatever it is that i am feeling at that moment. no secret there, but a bit of shame, since i always believe that i SHOULD KNOW BETTER! so if i have any secret that i need to share today with everyone it is this:

-- I AM AN ADDICT through and through, and i will do whatever it takes to deny that fact. --

so there you have it. and i get to choose to have another day clean.
∞ DT ∞