โ when i admit my powerlessness and seek help from others โฆ
Posted: Mon, Aug 4, 2008 01:38:29 PM
the burden of my secrets are lifted from me. okay, i have been planning on writing this for quite some time this morning, but none of my plans have been bearing much fruit this morning. something has come up or just not working out but that is life in the big city. there are lots of directions i can take with this today, and i have yet to decide which track is calling me, so i will just start brain dumping and see what happens.
my big secret after coming to the rooms, was that i still wanted to use, and that i figured out the ways and means to accomplish that task. for nearly seven months, i used as often as i could get away with it, and enjoyed both the high and the thrill of the risk. sick i know, and when i came clean, that was one of the most frightening things i had to do, own up to the fact that i had no recovery, no desire to recover and could not see myself as powerless over using, even for a slice in time. when i said that i wanted to be compliant with the forces in my life that controlled my freedom, i had no clue, that the strongest force in my life affecting my FREEDOM was ADDICTION. that realization was slow and painful in coming, however, once i got It, it made all the difference in the world. so these days, when i work with members that are just starting out in the journey, i look for that symptom, the dishonesty and denial that were present in my life, in theirs.
today, i have built the trust i need to share my secrets before they burst out and overwhelm me. not that i just instantly jump to doing what i need to do, i am still far too sick for immediate action, i have to let them simmer for a bit, but i do let them out much sooner than before so i am getting better.
anyhow i have stuff to take care of, and this was a nice distraction for a few minutes.
my big secret after coming to the rooms, was that i still wanted to use, and that i figured out the ways and means to accomplish that task. for nearly seven months, i used as often as i could get away with it, and enjoyed both the high and the thrill of the risk. sick i know, and when i came clean, that was one of the most frightening things i had to do, own up to the fact that i had no recovery, no desire to recover and could not see myself as powerless over using, even for a slice in time. when i said that i wanted to be compliant with the forces in my life that controlled my freedom, i had no clue, that the strongest force in my life affecting my FREEDOM was ADDICTION. that realization was slow and painful in coming, however, once i got It, it made all the difference in the world. so these days, when i work with members that are just starting out in the journey, i look for that symptom, the dishonesty and denial that were present in my life, in theirs.
today, i have built the trust i need to share my secrets before they burst out and overwhelm me. not that i just instantly jump to doing what i need to do, i am still far too sick for immediate action, i have to let them simmer for a bit, but i do let them out much sooner than before so i am getting better.
anyhow i have stuff to take care of, and this was a nice distraction for a few minutes.
∞ DT ∞