Blog entry for:

keep secret, and why? only as sick as my secrets, is a quick way to dismiss anything that i keep on the down low. while i agree with the premise of the reading, that what i am ashamed of, i keep close to my chest, there are also many things i am proud of or notions that pop into my head, that i also keep quiet about and treat as “secret,” even though there is absolutely no shame in doing or thinking them.
right off the bat, in a similar vein with the reading, i have been contemplating a trial separation with the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living. it is not something i have been sharing about, and yes it does cause me more than a bit of shame. this way of life, living an active program of recovery, does not seem to be meeting my expectations and i am not getting the rewards that i have come to believe that i am entitled to, i mean seriously when does the pay-off come. instead of doing step work, calling my sponsor or sharing about what i am feeling with a closed mouth friend, i have been “meeting shopping,” running around on self-will and pretending that everything is just “fine and dandy,” when it really is not. sharing that the other night with a friend, after feeling hammered about what meetings i was choosing to attend, opened a floodgate of feelings that i had bottled up inside. i did not even realize how far things had gotten, as i assumed that i was just going through one of my “phases.” as true as that may be, one of the things when i am in one of the phases, at least these days, is my reasons for finding one meeting or another less than acceptable to me. by keeping my opinions quiet, i do not influence my peers, but i also do not help create an atmosphere of recovery, either. that sword cuts both ways and i am the one that ends up being damaged and resentful. i understand all to well, taking ownership of a meeting. i also understand quite well, the feelings i get when i feel defensive towards what i perceive as criticism towards the meeting that i “own,” so i project that feeling on to others and vote with my feet, as it were. what i end up with, even though my “intentions” may be good, is resentful and bitter and looking for a divorce from the fellowship, after all, if i do not find what i am looking for, no matter how far i range, the chances are that i have “out-grown” of this whole recovery gig.
yes i certainly am as sick as my secrets! this morning after i worked with a sponsee and did a bit of service, i feel grateful for the program and the meetings that i may not find to my liking, i will just step away from, for a little bit of time, until i find my bearings again. i need not rail about how this or that is not the manner in which i would do it or sit there spinning my fidget spinner and internally rolling my eyes about what i observe. what i will do is move along and find see if i can find a bit of peace and serenity in knowing that my nasty little secret ↪ finding yet another way to disqualify myself from recovery, is now pout in the open and ready to be exploded by my experience.

∞ DT ∞