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it is a great relief to get rid of all my secrets and to share the burden of my past. well on day two of my rest period, i am sitting here thinking about what parts of my life i am keeping secret. the reading from yesterday plays directly into today's in that i trust conditionally. those conditions are what keeps my secrets and me safe from pain, or so i tell myself over and over and over again, when i consider what to share and with whom. i say a lot about what is going on inside of me, when i do this little exercise, and yet, even here i use restraint, talking around this and that and dropping hints as to what is really going on inside of me. i am not about to change that, even though it may seem that i am hinting at that, BUT i am willing today to share what is causing me shame with those i trust without conditions. those people in my life can be counted on one hand, and as sad as that may seem, it is how i am wired. things do change, as i stay clean, and as i work the step i find myself trusting more and becoming more willing to let more go, by sharing some of the secrets known to only that handful. that does not mean that i am all of a sudden going to reveal something here, you silly people, i might be getting well, but i am not however quite that well, YET. as a comic once said “it could happen”
what i am walking away with this morning, is that while keeping my stuff close to my vest was a great survival technique, in active addiction and certainly for the most part in the real world, it no longer is playing well in my head. there comes a point when the dam will burst and more will be revealed.
it is a good thing i have a sponsor, and a few closed-mouth friends, that i can spill these figurative beans to. so i have an errand to run and i want to enjoy a smoke in my fresh air office before the heat builds up, so i will close with this, just for today, i am grateful that i no longer have to keep any secrets and that i can allow my shame to be destroyed by the light of recovery.

∞ DT ∞