Blog entry for:

with myself, as as result of releasing those shameful arts of my past, that i once struggled so hard to keep on the down-low. i am not **secret-free** these days, ironically the secrets i do keep are those i have been told by others. i some time jokingly say that if i every went ballistic on the fellowship i could it it to pieces with what i have been told. that is of course besides the point, the point really is not about THEIR stuff, but about mine. yesterday i told a friend how he hurt me, not by moving away, but not trusting me with his decision. i was pissed off, but chose to say nothing in real-time, because i wanted to make his transition as “painless” as possible. by swallowing my anger, all those months ago, i have stumbled upon a half-formed resentment many times in the ensuing days. it is true, i have forgiven him what i perceived to be a slight, but i rarely forget anything and that is the nature of how i see myself these days, an all-forgiving elephant of sort. the whole image, now that i have pit it to paper, kind of makes me smile a bit, but i do see it as a transformation from the person i once was, never-forgiving, never-forgetting and carrying a boatload of grudges, resentments and just plain hatreds.
looking at what once was and comparing it to what is, seems like an exercise in futility, after all, IF i continue to choose this path, i NEVER have to return to what once was. one of the biggest secrets i that i have let out of the bag lately was the shape of my wall of denial, back in the day. sure i would have loved to have been “struck clean,” or has “given away everything to my addiction,” but i was incapable of seeing my way to either one of those states, although one might say, that after that trip to New jersey, i was struck clean, as i became a member and i realized how much of myself i had traded away for the bucket full of secrets i was carrying since my clean date. today, i am okay with being an open book, because there is very little that would cause me shame if all of a sudden it ended up on the front page of my local newspaper, or more apropos to the times, being smeared all over Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.

∞ DT ∞