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can i begin to find relief from those things that cause me shame.
i never really thought about the link between secrets and shame much. and although this is not the first time i have tripped lightly across this reading, this is the first time i really thought about what it is saying to me. and by that, i mean do i have any secret shame that keeps me from moving forward on the path of recovery.
and that is what is going through my head this morning. although the reading ties shame to secrets, i do not believe that all my secrets are tied to shame. i can think of a couple right off the top of my head, that would not even cause me to be embarrassed to be revealed, but i have probably shared those with someone else, so i do not need to share them here. :p
but as i roll through the inventory of the few secrets i have left, i do feel a bit of shame, well honestly more than a bit of shame, good thing i am working on a step that asks me to take a moral inventory, so i can get rid of those few left.
what i am experiencing is probably the resurfacing of secrets i buried a long time ago. events, actions and my behaviors, that at the time i was unwilling or unable to face. i do not know about anyone else, but my life up to the point where i decided to recover was far from stellar. many of the things i did, and the feelings i felt were repressed, rationalized or justified until i simply forgot them. as i recover, i am gaining the tools i need to face the entirety of my history in the here and now, and the recovery process releases those memories and secrets from the dark, dank dungeons from where they were imprisoned all those moments ago. do i honestly want to say that everyone should know everything about me? i am not nearly that healthy today! BUT i am glad that there are at least two men who know everything up to a certain point as revealed in my previous fourth steps and there will be one more man who will learn everything else that is being revealed to me on this little trip through the steps. and as i have discovered releasing my secret shame only makes me healthier and much happier! and after all being happier is what this is all about n’est-ce pas?

∞ DT ∞