being myself
Posted: Thu, Sep 30, 2004 04:46:18 AM
one of things that still haunts me from time to time is the question of:
when i started this process i thought i knew exactly who i was and where i was going. that quickly changed in early recovery as my head cleared and i started to actually follow a suggestion or two. the last thing i wanted to be was an addict and the last thing i wanted to do was to ponder the idea of what kind of man i want to be. in fact i really did not even want to get clean and i was sure that this would not work for me and i was only wasting the time of those who had for some strange reason had decided that they could help me to recover.
as time went by and i worked a step or 12, i begin to get clues as to who i was, my dreams started to reawaken, and i begin to believe that even i could and would receive freedom from active addiction. these gifts gave me the desire and drive to continue.
this does not mean that i know who i am today, except that i am an addict and that i need to maintain my recovery on a daily basis if i want to continue this journey to the center of me.
while i am in a good space today, i am very uncertain of who i am today but i know that this too shall pass if i allow the process to work
--DT--
who am i really????although i have a better idea of this since starting the process of recovery, i still find my knowledge of self lacking on some days. and of course my disaese uses this to tell me if i do not know and what i am or who am i becoming, how can i be of help to any of the men who trust me to guide them through this process when my experience is not worthless and without merit.
when i started this process i thought i knew exactly who i was and where i was going. that quickly changed in early recovery as my head cleared and i started to actually follow a suggestion or two. the last thing i wanted to be was an addict and the last thing i wanted to do was to ponder the idea of what kind of man i want to be. in fact i really did not even want to get clean and i was sure that this would not work for me and i was only wasting the time of those who had for some strange reason had decided that they could help me to recover.
as time went by and i worked a step or 12, i begin to get clues as to who i was, my dreams started to reawaken, and i begin to believe that even i could and would receive freedom from active addiction. these gifts gave me the desire and drive to continue.
this does not mean that i know who i am today, except that i am an addict and that i need to maintain my recovery on a daily basis if i want to continue this journey to the center of me.
while i am in a good space today, i am very uncertain of who i am today but i know that this too shall pass if i allow the process to work
--DT--