Blog entry for:

always wanting to belong and be loved, i spent a lot of time trying to fit in -- yet i never quite seemed to measure up.
and the worst part of those expectations, i exppected myself to know what they were without asking. talk about a sure way to fail miserably! the whole scheme of living up to unknowen expectations as well as known ones, fed the part of me i call my disease and allowed me the luxury of being able to rationalize my using while in active addiction and my isolation in recovery. since of course i cannot read minds, the burden i carried with me, only grew and grew as i became more and more certain of what the expectations of others were and are. it is a miracle that i have lasted for so many days in recovery, because this whole process continues practically unchecked today!
so where do the steps come in? well the assignment i am working on, to finish my sixth step speaks to this issue indirectly, it makes me ask certain questions and if i choose to be open to the response, i get to hear the answers, whether they match my internal conversation or not. yes, i love to pretend how self-confident and self-assured i am, that is part of this whole act of living up to the expectations of others. i am more self-assured than when i came to recovery, and i know that if i co0ntinue to do what has been working for me, i can become more self-assured as time passes. i understand that self knowledge is part of the rewards of step work, and i also understand that self-acceptance is yet another byproduct of living the program, so what do i think right now? i think i am okay just the way i am, and i need not live up to anyone else’s expectations, real or imagined. i just need to be okay and do what is in front of me,, and right now that is of course some more work! after all, i am not cured yet!

∞ DT ∞