Blog entry for:

i have spent a lot of time AND ENERGY trying to fit in -- and yet i never quite seemed to measure up. this morning, as i tried to move into that quiet place, but was incapable of doing so, i realized that i am having a delayed anger reaction to something that was said to me over a week ago. man how silly is that. if i just felt it today, that means it was rumbling around in there for nearly a week causing all sorts of untold damage. what it comes down to, is once again, i feel used and manipulated, and most of all dismissed, and yet i was oblivious to this fact a six days ago. once again, i put my true feelings and desire on hold to try and live up to what someone else wanted me to be. after all of the work i have done, and all of the changes that have been manifest in my life over the past year or so, i still have the need to jump through hoops and try to please someone else.
quite honestly, i had made a decision already, but every time i considered that decision in the here and now, i was struck with a gnawing feeling in my gut, that something was not quite right. something was not quite right, is in fact, what was happening. my decision may have been sound; my decision-making process may have been flawless; but, what i missed was my true reasoning for arriving at the conclusion i have. i dismissed what was really going on, i allowed what i was really feeling to be sublimated and i chose a reason for making my decision that was secondary to my true heart. my real reason for making the decision i have made, i am tired of being played and gamed, by flattery and being taken into false confidence. if someone speaks of others like that, how do they speak of me? it is a game i know well, play all sides of the field and keep all your bases covered, as you never know when you are going to have to pull out the most unlikely of allies. take that particular game, wrap it up with a spiritual principle or two, appeal to a real need to get something accomplished and voilà, you have piece of shit that looks and smells like the world’s finest chocolate. to top it off, i justify my behavior by saying at least i will get this greater good accomplished, regardless of HOW i had to do it.
with the knowledge of my delayed reaction and my resistance to calling my sponse, things finally make sense. now with my eyes open, i can really sit down and talk with him about what is really going on inside of me, and what really motivated my decision. best of all, how my desire to be loved and accepted by those in authority, or at least those who have tried and succeeded to be in authority in my life, still can push my buttons. i understand that i will still be duped, and i understand that if i choose to forget the past, this will still keep happening. what i choose to today, is to accept that i am once again pissed-off, let it go, and make an appointment to sit down with my sponse and finish this process off. that time is almost here.
so off to the streets and into this morning with the hope that i can mind erase and let go, aftyer all, all i have is today.

∞ DT ∞