Blog entry for:

all my affairs, truly confused before i read the source material. even after digesting what the authors wrote i still found the headline more than a bit confusing. what it finally came down to was the line: **on most days i am whole.** the unity the source material was speaking to, at least in my case, was no longer having to be what i am not, to get stuff that i desire or require. i guess there needs to be a bit of a back story after that statement and i see that even i need to delve a bit deeper into what i am attempting to say.
for as long as i can remember i craved attention and approval, from everyone, starting with my parents and spreading out from their. i would tell clumsy lies and put on a front that i thought “fit” with what i thought my “target audience” was looking for, as i went through my days. after i first told myself the lie that my true self was not fit to be seen, that behavior not only became worse, but became my default, fit in by being what i was not. although far from pathological, what it did do is split me into lots of different personalities, based on the people i was trying to please. as the step process scraped off the layers of detritus and i came closer and closer to revealing the truth about myself, i saw that what i really needed was self-worth and seeking that from the outside was never, ever, going to satisfy my need to be loved and accepted. when that truth was foisted upon me, as i dealt with an ancient resentment, i knew that i had been freed from the prison i chose to build and i could walk out and never have to look back, if i chose to do so.
today, that unity allows me to show my true self and dismiss my need to embellish what i am. i have learned to be okay being one of the billions of humans currently walking the planet. being “just one of the crowd” was something i always desired and that desire is being manifest today in my every day life. i can cave to that craven desire, as it has not been removed or just acknowledge that it is there and move on to doing the next right thing, just for today, i chose the latter.

∞ DT ∞