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seemed to measure up and allowed myself to settle for being just **OKAY.** one last bit about a year ago, what i saw as bluster and arrogance was actually mocking derision. those **brokers** were not who they said they were and IF law enforcement ever catches up with them, i may get the satisfaction of seeing them get their just rewards, in the mean time, just for today, it is time to put that into the “experience” and move on. this morning, as i go over the vents of the weekend, i see that finally my feelings are being taken seriously. i wondered how long it would take before one of my peers would “wake up and smell the coffee,” and it appears they finally did. that too, is a topic i can put to rest for now and move along.
as i sat this morning, what came to me was another “hot” of concern. over the course of my recovery, somehow i have evolved into a person that others can trust. i made a very bad joke to a friend and peer last week, that if i ever got it in my head to “burn the whole local fellowship down, i certainly had materiel enough to do so.” although my days of white hot rage and burning down anything have long since passed, what is interesting is that i “hear” and “know” far more stuff than i probably “need to know.” most of my effort living the glass house that is a local recovery fellowship is not talking about what i have been told in confidence. the not talking about that stuff is the easy part, what i am having an issue with, is not taking what i “know” to alter my actions, reactions and relationships with those that i “know” about.
part of who i was and still may be, is a person who “stores” all sorts of embarrassing,. humiliating or shameful information with the intent to release it, sometime in the future, to make myself feel “better” about myself, at the object of my ire's expense. the POWER that fuels my recovery has diminished my need to stomp on someone to stop feeling “less than,” but now that has morphed into the realm of desiring to provide unsolicited advice., which fills the same purpose, but wraps my less than stellar behavior in a veil of spiritual camouflage. i see that serving two purposes: i feel better about myself because i can demonstrate my superiority and i get to walk away “pretending” that i just did the next right thing. after all, wouldn't i want to know if i was f*cking up? whether or not i would have that desire, does not mean i get to place that expectation on anyone else.
this morning, what i can do with the library full of knowledge is to take what i know and use it as a filter for my own feelings, actions and expectations. i need not sully the reputation of someone else by calling them out, either publicly or privately. i know what i know and for me that means that i cannot “unknow” it. what i will do today, is work the BEST program possible, using only my experience as the yardstick to measure how “best” works for me. it is another day clean and it is time for me to head on down to work and get ready for my annual “hell-night.”

∞ DT ∞