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quite seemed to measure up and as a result spent most of my life hiding who i was from everyone around me: friends, family members, my peers and strangers i met on the street. what that meant was that i had a very short window to figure out who they wanted me to be and allow myself to become that person. it was an efficient process and one i perfected over the decades, even though i knew on some level it was killing me. i also knew on some level what i was doing and why i was doing it, but not until i shared with my sponsor last winter, my FIFTH STEP had i ever said what was actually going on with me, out loud and to another person. hiding in plain sight, even in recovery, felt as if it was the easier and certainly softer path, even after i had reached a place where i could trust those around me. opening that little bit of a Pandora's box, was an event. the process that it kicked off, is ongoing and is allowing me to see and feel my way to becoming who i always was and updating that person to fit my new reality.
what popped off the stack as i sat this morning was the realization that for me, the payoff for living that lie was that no one could truly wound me at my core. sure their barbs and arrows stung, but if they did not know who i really was, they could not mortally wound me. it also meant that i could live how i wanted to live, out of sight and on the down-low and i could get away with all sorts of outrageous behavior, even after getting clean and finding a bit of recovery. the one thing that i wanted to do, but never did, was to walk into a dispensary, “just to see what it was like.” the only reason that i never “peeked in” on that sort of facility was that i was not certain i could go in and come out clean. staying clean, even in the worst of times, has been a priority for me, for quite some time now. what i was fairly certain of, was that was my way of giving myself permission to slide down the slippery slope, into active using, after all, just “one” was not going to hurt anyone and i already “knew” how to pretend i was clean, even when i was using.
where all of this is going, is that i really do not have enough context to judge anyone else on how they are doing things. there is always a pay-off for less than stellar behavior and if that payoff is more rewarding than the price of the consequences, than of course, one will continue down that path to its very bitter ends. been there, done that, got the T-shirt. as i prepare to get some miles under my belt, this wet and gloomy morning, i can be certain that who i am today, is probably who i always should have been and this process of “becoming” is far from being complete, just for today.

∞ DT ∞