Blog entry for:

i will share myself honestly with others.
there are a couple of catches here, first being honest, which is a topic for another day. the real biggie for me this morning: having always wanted to be someone, anyone else, being myself feels like a Herculean task, on par with the Augean stable. in fact the stables metaphor, is certainly an apt one for me. instead of thirty years of dung, i had only twenty-five years that had accumulated during my active addiction.and just as Hercules had to rely on an outside force or forces in the form of two rivers to help him perform his task, so i need to rely on outside forces and structures to perform my task, becoming the man and person i have always wanted to be. it is true, that perhaps at one time in my life, i was that person and i was sane, however that has never seemed the case, for as long as i can remember. as i slipped closer and closer to the day that using that first time sounded like a good idea, i became more withdrawn in a fantasy world of my own making. that first use, was the first time i felt like the rest of the world, i knew at that time, i had found the answer to all of my ills, and the dung started piling up. just as the digestive tract of the divine bovines, active addiction took over my perceptions and drowned me in a world of that warm, but terrible smelling stuff, isolating me from who i really was and the world around me.
recovery. the POWER that fuels my recovery, along with the experience of those who are part of this journey and the structure of the steps. are washing that crap, and it is literally mental crap, away. the amazing part of this particular task, is even though i think that i am done, the next time through the steps, i will find something different, as there is very little that is new within me, to look at.
what a long trip to get to where i am today, and now that i am here, it is still hard to believe that my nutball behavior, in active addiction, in active recovery and all phases of my life between those two extremes, could be of any value to anyone else. the beauty here, is that i need not believe that i have any worth, yet, that will come, because regardless of what i think, just doing this gig day after day, offers HOPE that it can be done by anyone,. and when i start looking better, because i am getting better, well that is just icing on the cake. today, i DO believe my experience has worth and i am willing to share it with anyone who asks, and even some of those who do not, as the case may be. it is also nice to know, that as i feel better and look better, i can worry less about what others think of me, and be more concerned with allowing the changes the steps make in me, to be manifest once again.
anyhow, i do need to get moving. it is a good day to think of how much value io do have and even a better day to go spend a bit of it. until next time, be well, i know i will be.

∞ DT ∞