โ i spent a lot โ
Posted: Fri, Sep 30, 2016 08:19:32 AM
of time trying to fit in. so i have been down the entire conformity through non-conformity route and as fun as it is to trip the light fantastic sown memory lane, there also comes a time to move along, as there is nothing to see here. i have been sharing lately about my journey back to the rooms and the fellowship after my spiritual paradigm was drastically altered and so much different than the mainstream version that i find in my friends and peers. that topic has been overworked in my mind as well, so i will defer from going there as well.
what was it that i heard this morning? well it was a continuation from the topic i heard yesterday, sort of, learning to just be myself so that i can become something i never was. all of my life as much as i appeared not to care what others thought of me, it was always on mind. the more i appeared not to care the harder i was working to have everyone around me, think i was something i was not, self-confident and self-assured. even in recovery, i wanted more than anything else to be respected, well thought of and liked and was often a slave to that misery. this round of steps, has taken me to a new level. unlike members who may share that they have transcended pride and ego, i am quite certain i have not. by allowing myself the freedom to embrace what i am, i get to move into the uncharted territory of what i wish to become. freedom from a defining culture comes at a price and the price of that independence is a surrender to a spiritual program that allows me to be more. just to be clear, when another member shares that they are beyond pride and ego, i first jump to a snap judgement. once my instant reaction has passed, i then can evaluate the veracity of that statement and decide intellectually if i choose to believe that statement or not. these days, i have learned to take those sort of statements at face value and accept them, even though my own personal experience is that when i utter those words it is usually in a moment of self-deceit and dishonesty, far from the genuine person i want to become. interpreting the words and actions based on how i would act or what i say, is a set of behaviors i am learning to let go of, at least just for today.
what was it that i heard this morning? well it was a continuation from the topic i heard yesterday, sort of, learning to just be myself so that i can become something i never was. all of my life as much as i appeared not to care what others thought of me, it was always on mind. the more i appeared not to care the harder i was working to have everyone around me, think i was something i was not, self-confident and self-assured. even in recovery, i wanted more than anything else to be respected, well thought of and liked and was often a slave to that misery. this round of steps, has taken me to a new level. unlike members who may share that they have transcended pride and ego, i am quite certain i have not. by allowing myself the freedom to embrace what i am, i get to move into the uncharted territory of what i wish to become. freedom from a defining culture comes at a price and the price of that independence is a surrender to a spiritual program that allows me to be more. just to be clear, when another member shares that they are beyond pride and ego, i first jump to a snap judgement. once my instant reaction has passed, i then can evaluate the veracity of that statement and decide intellectually if i choose to believe that statement or not. these days, i have learned to take those sort of statements at face value and accept them, even though my own personal experience is that when i utter those words it is usually in a moment of self-deceit and dishonesty, far from the genuine person i want to become. interpreting the words and actions based on how i would act or what i say, is a set of behaviors i am learning to let go of, at least just for today.
∞ DT ∞