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up to the expectations of those around me, as well as the ridiculous ones i set for myself, can be, to say the least very tiring, pointless and with very low chance of getting any sort of reward.no matter how long i stay clean, it seems that this is my biggest stumbling block. i still want to look better, be better and certainly act better than i actually am, and i tend to believe that is what others in my life, require of me as well. that paradigm is one that haunts me still and i wonder, not for very long, what it will take for me to be freed from this particular obsession.
i certainly know that in my youth, the NEED to be all things to all people was well established, long before i ever flipped that active addiction switch. active addiction just taught me how to use this desire to my advantage, and i certainly did, time and again. even in early recovery, my NEED to live up to the expectations of those around me, satisfied my desire to be better in the eyes of others. the fact is, i do not think i am worthy of being accepted for who i am, right here and right now. sure step work has helped and from time time to do get freedom from the obsession with how i look in the eyes and minds of others.
today? well today, after a terrible night, and a very early start to my day, i am ready to march out and face the world, by having a bite with a few friends, going to my home group and taking care of the commitments i have made in my life ⇝ work, home, fellowship and most importantly to myself. i will see if i get all of that done, and will resist the temptation to take on any expectations of what may or may not happen today.

∞ DT ∞