Blog entry for:

the expectations of those around me is a tough job and one from which i have officially retired, well for the most part. living in the FEAR of what others expect me to do, is exhausting and yet, it was how i lived my life. breaking out from default behavior has never been easy for me and this process of moving on in my recovery is a prefect example of how FEAR freezes me and prevents me from taking care of myself first.
i thought i was taught to put myself after those people in my life that i care about. that was a mistake and one that colored my recovery for quite some time. living to please others and look “stellar” in their eyes did nothing for me, save create a whole lot of cognitive dissonance. i chose to ignore all of that and tried even harder to meet expectations, i assumed were mine, even thought they were never spoken to me. as a result i was always looking over my shoulder, wondering when the next shoe would drop. coming to believe in myself, just as i am today, has been the process that has freed me from the chains of these assumed and unspoken expectations.
this morning i will implement my decision and move on to the next phase of my recovery journey. i have lived in the hell of this uncertainty for long enough and even though i knew what i was going to do yesterday, allowing myself the freedom to “sleep on it,” cemented that course of action into my heart. i have some work to accomplish before i step out into the unknown, but there is excitement and fear in very equal doses driving my emotions in this moment. i can dill-dally all that i want, but i know what must be done and today is a good day to take care of that bidness, after all worrying about what may come form the shape of the unknown future is futile and a waste of my bandwidth, just for today.

∞ DT ∞