Blog entry for:

i partake more deeply of both my recovery and my human nature.
well first things first, i did not blog yesterday because i had a new old game that i played for six hours, well a better description is that i obsessed for six hours and although such activity is not that good, i believe it was just what i needed.
anyhow, on to the topic du jour!
the reading was about death of a loved one and the feelings that arise as a result of such an event. i have already written more than enough about the deaths i have had to deal with since i made the decision not to use, and became a member of the fellowship that gave me a new life, so i will not rehash those old musings today. you can find those particular passages at:
here
here
and even here
so instead what came to my mind today was the line about allowing myself the freedom to feel ... the feelings that arise in me when an event such as the death of a loved are quite painful, and have driven me to the point of wanting to use, to rid myself of those feelings. the trite little ‘this too shall pass’ phrase, was less than satisfactory, in any respect. honestly when i am in that place the last thing i want to do is feel. i want to numb away the pain and deal with some other day, or perhaps swallow it forever. living a program of recovery., allows me to make that choice, no one says i have to stay clean, nor is there any sword over my head that will end my life, should i decide to use. no the only thing that stops me from using when i have had those feeling in the past, is a POWER GREATER THAN ME. no i did not get touched by some ethereal hand, and hear a booming disembodied voice. what i heard was the voice of the addicts with whom i share my life telling me that they were there for me, to provide me the strength i needed to not use in that moment. they told it was alright to feel anger and grief at the same time. and they told me that all i needed to do is hang on and i would get through this. that was the voice and the touch of the POWER GREATER THAN ME, in action. that was the love of that POWER being expressed. and those addicts kept me clean in those dark and troubled times.
death is one of those ultimate reservations i have faced and will face again, after all the human condition is that we die. so this morning, as i ponder the nature of tone of the darkest times in my recovery, i am filled with gratitude that i got what i needed to stay clean, and the freedom i was given to fell what i needed to feel and recover one more day.
so i owe, i owe, it is off to work i go! with just a glimpse of the POWER that give sme the strength to make it through the difficult times clean.

∞ DT ∞