Blog entry for:

i can remember, but it will pass. death, dying, grief, remorse; certainly a dark topic for today. death has been a part of my recovery experience since i had fifty or so days clean. each time death touches my life, i grieve, i cry, i feel crushed by the enormity of my feelings, and i persevere by leaning on the power of my peers in the rooms and the POWER that fuels my recovery. in the end, the grief and sadness fade, and i move on.
the spiritual death of those i love, however, is quite a different deal. those whom i loved and watched grow in their recovery, who choose to walk away, bring back the grief every time they pop up into my life again. unlike those who have died, they are a constant reminder of how living in pain cannot be relived by a little beer and some pot. some choose to walk away, far away and i never hear from them again, just as if they physically dies, and for me, those are the easy feelings to deal with, because they fade with time. others try and maintain relationships within my recovery community, for whatever reason, and those are the ones who hurt the same each and every day, especially when they are all about spilling their crap all over social media. for me, i sometimes wish they would just disappear to Arkansas or somewhere, anywhere else, so i need not be reminded how mush i hurt over their absence in my life. i know i choose to keep my distance, because i like my recovery and know i am far from immune to the notion that a joint or two and a micro-brew, would not hurt anything. after all, i am over 21, and both of those substances are legally available for me to consume. so instead of putting myself in a situation where i would likely use, i keep my distance and feel the pain. i have found that when i let go of wanting to know what they are up to, and how their lives are going, they too, fade into the “dead to me” category and i get to release my grief over their absence in my life. amazingly, that process is so like grieving the physical death to me, that i can use the same tools that keep me clean in those times.
i could go on, but i am, certain that i have driven my point home. people die, people relapse, pets die and careers are built on change and taking a risk. the only constant in my life as the clichée goes, is change. change is important to growing and when i resist and fight that change, is when i start to stagnate and die. just for today? i think i will revel in those who are part of my life and express how i feel for them. i think i will walk into the joyous light and accept what comes down the pike professionally. and most importantly, i will be secure in my FAITH, that no matter what feeling pops up or who pops into my life today, i will be given what i need to survive the experience and possibly even thrive as a result.

∞ DT ∞